I have told myself that before.  That it’s okay that i do think about her.  The problem for me is that I still can’t help but feel like we are meant to be together.  Like if i just wait and be patient that some how some way we will end up together.  I really think a big part of the loss is losing my best friend also.  Someone that i absolutely connected with like no body ever before.  I know ” if we connected so deeply, then why couldn’t we communicate?”  Well I honestly think i couldn’t communicate to her how I felt, because I knew how much drama she was dealing with with her family, work, ex-husband, everything that the last thing I wanted to do was to add to that.  (I know now that it would of been the best thing to do, to have been 100% honest with her about how I felt like I was getting pushed aside and in the dark when she should have been talking to me), but at that time.  I felt that I could hold out until it all passed, i could wait for my turn.

For her, all she saw was this sweet, nice man that just wanted to make her happy and she didn’t want to hurt me either.  When she should have told me exactly what was going on and how she was feeling, instead of “sparing my feelings” and causing more pain and suffering for the both of us.

I am trying, I really am.  just hard at times.  I can’t wait for the day that i don’t have to try anymore.