She was your best friend… but have you ever had a different best friend (girl or guy) in your life that you don’t talk to much now? I know I have, and it sucked to lose them at first, but eventually you stop missing them so much. If you’ve had that experience, take this as the same as that, even if the feelings are stronger or different with her. It still doesn’t mean she was the best you’ll ever get.

The only best friend i really ever had is my buddy that i still see on a regular basis, we’ve know each other since we were 12.  so for 33 years now.  There have been times when either of us moved away for a year or two and it didn’t bother me.  Not like this.  It’s so hard to explain.  There a so many times in a day when i see something or do something, and I just want to tell her.  Not even a romantic thing, just because that’s what we did.  I guess a way to put it in perspective is if a family member or animal died that lived with you, for the begging, you forget sometimes and when you get home you call out to them or think they are there.  I guess that’s kind of how I feel, but it’s a year and a half later!  We did not communicate very well in the end, but before that freaking weekend trip away.  Even though we were 120 miles apart,we were in separable.  We kept in touch frequently throughout the day and night every day.

Why am I such a mess.   I hate it.  I hate this empty shell or ghost of a man that I am anymore.

I even recently wrote a song!  WTH!!   I’m not a poet or a song writer, but i love music, seems like later more of the sappy heartbreak shit.  I know I shouldn’t listen to that crap, but it speaks to me.

As far as books, i can only read a couple pages before my mind wanders…

I need to handle my current situation also before I can start counseling.  It is a real ironic blow to the mind that now, it really feels like I’m playing the role of my ex and my current girlfriend is playing the role of me.  I can feel so much more empathy for what my ex must have been feeling in the end of our relationship now.  And how i just made things worse, when all I had to do was walk away and let her breathe for a bit.

I need to go, talk soon…