Dear anita,

maybe I can go to yoga class, instead of the meeting. But I am still not fully decided.

Today I talked to my therapist about it. And no matter what I do, some people will not approve. If I go there, I will probably be nervous and seem suspicious. If I don’t go, people will also find it suspicious. So what do I want? I never liked those meetings and now I feel even less enthusiastic about going there.

Yes, K. has contacted me. It seems like I cannot hide anything from you. I thought you wouldn’t like it, so I didn’t mention it. But I think I also handled it allright this time.

When I told my parents that I lost my phone via Email, my father wanted to get a new SIM card (with the same number) for me immediately. But I said that I want to maybe take care of it myself. But after I hadn’t done it after a week or so, my mother got worried and sent a used phone and the card to me.

Well, I told my mother that I had wanted to take care of it myself, she was resistant at first. But later my parents asked about our phone calls and how to handle it in the future. When to call and so on. See, my parents are not bad people and our relationship has improved during the last years. Even when I was I child, I guess they wanted the best, but they were overwhelmed it seems to me.

Anyways. K. called from the phone of one of his friends. And I listened. I was confused. He told me he missed me and such things. But I said to him that I want to think about everything and call him again the next day. I was still confused, thinking about him and the hopes I had had for a relationship with him. So on the phone I told him that I want to meet him for a personal talk at a Cafe or to go for a walk together. I also told him, that I don’t want to sleep with him for a while and also we should not spend the night together for some time. He accepted everything at first. Said, that I could sleep at his place when I come visit him, while he sleeps at his cousin’s.

For a while I was considering if we could try it again. I was thinking to suggest to him, that we could go to the museum together, cook together or go for walks together and such and get to know each other better. But not have sex or sleepovers for some months. I also wanted to insist, that we don’t keep it a secret from his sister and that she has to see us together.

He wanted to come for a visit last weekend. But then he canceled it because he had to take care of the keys from his work place ( I don’t really understand what he meant and why he couldn’t return them in time if he just drove home a bit earlier?). It seemed like he wanted to change his plans again though if he could sleep over. I also suggested that I could come to see him at his city for a few hours and for the talk. But he didn’t want that apparently (“I wanted you to calmly wait at home” he said?). And he wanted to go swimming and such things. But if the talk with me was truly so important to him (like he said), then why couldn’t he just go swimming a little bit later, after I was gone home?

Then I asked if we could meet each other this weekend. And said that I just wasn’t able to see him on Saturday evening, because I was going to a concert. So he wanted to come along, then walk home to my place together and talk. I asked: and then you want to sleep over? And that was what he wanted. But I told him that he can sleep at his sisters place and we can meet on Sunday. I also first wanted to talk to him, before I go out with him again…

Well, I got the feeling that he just wanted to go back to how things were before? And I also noticed that I did not trust him very much. So after a few days I wrote him a long message explaining my feelings to him. That I don’t feel like I am ready for a relationship now. That I rather want to work on myself at the moment. That I lost my trust in him. That I feel our communication didn’t work out. That I often didn’t tell him what I wanted. But that I also felt that he didn’t told me what bothers him and such. And that I wish him well.

It felt good for me to write this message. I had wanted to tell him those things for so long. And maybe it was a bit much, but it was the truth and therefore it was o.K. I think.

Today he responded with a message with three crying emojis. Saying that he doesn’t know what to say. That he really tried to do his best to make it work this time. But that it is o.K. It is my decision.

I think it will be the best not to respond anymore. But I have to say, that a part of me still feels vulnerable to his advances.

I feel I am more able to say no to him now, because I don’t feel like he is this perfect person anymore. And maybe I am not that unworthy.