I will break things down. Also, i will set intentions at the beginning of every day on what I want to accomplish, so when i feel like giving up I remember that. I think this is the main issue. I read my older posts and it has been exactly a year and I realized that i made no progress in that time, because I lose hope very quickly.

And also another thing I really need your advice on – i zone out and go into all the things that could go wrong. I was just thinking about how to move. I opened linkedin and found i could apply to jobs in Singapore – that is not the west – but it is still exciting to think i could go there – however i immediately went into how the visa could get rejected because of bad documents – i could go yell at my parents ( i will not do that, my sister already has) for being so careless in doing something so simple as keeping consistent names on all the documents, and how changing them is a seriously complicated process. The fear is legitimate and based on real possibilities – but i hate going through this, happens even when i am about to take on something new and/or big at work.  I feel i should not fail so i go over everything that could go wrong.

In fact, tomorrow, i have to lead something at work – it is a little absurd that i have to (as a junior) but it is my task so i have to do it and also think it could help me push through (this is another realization) the belief that i cannot do anything alone and other people should be trusted to ensure nothing goes wrong. But for the last two days i have been dreaming only about this – and it feels like the movie inception!

I guess death is the worst, in fact sometimes, i wonder why we want to achieve anything at all, why success matters or making a mark on the world as so many of the youtube videos i watch say.

I have always been honest with my mother. But she does not like my weaknesses – i feel so ridiculed when her advice has always been a version of “don’t be like that” . Being paralyzed by fear and being overwhelmed by stress has been a pattern for a really long time – i think it comes from believing that if i am not everything i could be to ensure people are not displeased with me, i could lose my job – i think it is a belief of mine that the world cannot accept my weaknesses – so i hide them to survive. And to an extent i have seen proof of this, at work one failure and all the good work gets discounted. That is why i am afraid of failure – i could lose what i have.

Also, this post may already be long but how do i know which of my beliefs are correct? When i have seen proof that failure clearly is bad and thereby lead to my beliefs about failure, how do i overcome the fear? How do you know which fears to overcome and which are genuine danger signals?