Dear anita,

Thanks for the compliment 🙂 You inspired me to reply to other threads!

And as for apologizing, my mother never did that. If anything we end up being upset or fight when I bring these things up. Sometimes i am confrontational but at other times i have simply tried to get her perspective.  Sometimes she just says ” you are simply looking to fight”. The thing i am most upset with her  – and this my sister agrees with too – is that she used us as a dustbin for all her issues, she fed toxic things to our brains. I grew very resentful towards my father and grandmother for that reason. I had apologized if i was abusing this forum back when i wrote my first thread – it comes from this. That i will probably never be able to listen to or advice people helping me but i am dumping my problems on them. My mother was hardly available for us but we were her microphones for all her problems, if that makes sense.

I can see how she betrayed me – when I went to her afraid looking for safety and reassurance, trusting her that she would be able to do that – she used the trust to hurt me. And I think I have been looking for the safety and reassurance since then and possibly why i feel lost. I look for them everywhere, carrying a burden of my “flaws” while feeling unsafe and lonely.

Girija