Dear faber castell:

The problem: “I feel shattered, old, done, dead… I feel like I lost a vital, sensual, romantic side of me and grew old in spirit and in body”.

My suggestion to you, above: do “something new”. You responded: “I’m sure you’re right about this”, but what/ how?

In my quest to elaborate on my suggestion, I read all your posts in your previous threads, starting November 2013. May I take you to a tour on memory lane…?-

Nov 2013 you posted following a breakup of a four year relationship. You wrote about a guy, a friends’ friend. He talked a lot about beautiful-looking women. He told you that he thought that a combination of your brains and personality with another (beautifully looking woman’s) face “would be just the perfect & ideal woman”. About his comment, you wrote: “I’ve felt like he told me something I’ve felt my whole life: that guts don’t really find me that attractive”, but you expressed a healthy dose of self esteem at the time by responding to him appropriately and you shared about your thoughts on the matter: “I do think there’s a chance of someone thinking and feeling I’m beautiful with some degree of sincerity.. other guys I’ve dated have made me believe this”.

Ten months later, September 2014, you shared about your nine months on again off again relationship, one that started after the completion of your first thread. He broke up with you a few times, then begged you to stay, saying he wanted to marry you, then finally there was the morning-shower-incident: the two of you had a wonderful intimate and sexual experience in the shower. Right after that experience he broke up with you. When you told him, that same morning,  that you just had sex, he said: “Oh yea, well, sorry about that, it was a mistake because I still wanted to break up with you”. You were angry and expressed to him: “this is the most horrible thing..” and he said: “Please, it takes two to have sex”. The breakup took effect soon after.

It took you a while to get over that experience, and you had dreams for a whole week about other guys having sex with you and then disappearing. “now I’m so scared of sex and I feel so rejected. Something I had never felt before at all”, you wrote.

A month after that breakup, October 2014, you termed that month ago relationship “emotionally abusive” and you termed that shower incident “something very similar to sexual abuse”. You wrote: “Now I feel numb and stuck, I wake up everyday with a horrible pain in my stomach and I think I’m angry and frustrated… I think I’m starting to get depressed, my sleep patterns are off”.

Five months later, March 2015, you met a man who was drunk, in a bar. He told you that he thought you were “a normal girl… you’re cool and I mean, you’re a little ugly”. You felt offended but gave him your phone number anyway but shared on your thread that you didn’t intend to date him.

Ten months after that, January 2016, you wrote about a lesbian relationship: “This was my first lesbian relationship after a long story of long relationships with men”. There was a break up, a getting back together, and then she ghosted you. You wrote: “I don’t wanna keep being the decent reliable human being for someone who won’t reciprocate… I still don’t want to hurt her or to make her hate me even more (I know I shouldn’t care)… I can’t really force anyone to be anything different than they are, or to love me”.

Three years and two months later, these very days, you “feel shattered, old, done, dead” and I suggested that you need something new. Before I proceed, I want to ask you: you wrote years ago that you are explosive, regarding anger, if I understood correctly, but you didn’t describe anything at all about anger explosions on your part, with previous boyfriends/ girlfriend. Were there such explosions, and if so, how did they look/sound like?

anita