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Dear anita,
such behaviour, people telling you they love you to only mistreat you later, is very confusing. It is what confused me so much during my experience with the man in the dormitory. How confusing must it be if your own mother treats you like that? It must be so hurtful for a child.
Maybe that is why I didn’t get confused about my father’s behaviour. I cannot recall much of him showing his affection towards me. No hugs, no telling me that he loved me… He probably showed it in his own ways, by making it possible for me to get extra tuition for my problems with math and sciences and such things. But I remember the feeling that he disliked me and I disliked him. Today we get along better, he is more respectful, sometimes sympathetic. We still only shake hands as a greeting…
Thankfully you and I were able to look at ourselves and see that we need help. I think it takes trength just to admit that to oneself and then go out and try to change yourself… Hopefully I will be able to grow and heal more and more, like you did.
I agree, we need to forgive ourself, especially as we are trying to better ourselves and we have been through so much! But sometimes it’s hard and my negative thoughts about myself reappear. But the past cannot be changed, I need to stop living in the past. At least I understood better now, that I can control my thoughts. Even though I am not so succesful at this yet and often negative thoughts come up again… But in the last days I felt better. Maybe also, because I focused on uni and my goals more… And I got pretty productive, so I felt good about myself.
And how are you doing?