Anita and Mark you both have no idea how much you made me feel a whole lot better today and in general. I’ve been living in a feeling of guilt, I’m not even sure how to name this feeling it’s really weird and unusual and very upsetting. It’s like you would walk down the street and someone punched you and yelled at you and then said it’s you who have hurt him and you’re to blame forever. That’s how it feel, and now it certainly feels like forever because it’s been a very long time.Thank you both so much, I felt bad because it’s family. When it’s a stranger you can move on and get over. When it’s family, and it’s a grandma and an old person, you know.. you feel guilty because she is offended. It doesn’t feel right. I keep telling my mother she has to accept it because she can’t change it. Stop fighting it, just accept it for what it is. Grandma is not a good person, she didn’t even respond when we tried to make it right, because she doesn’t value us in her life, for some reason. It’s really disturbing and upsetting. Well yeah I won’t do her hair again for sure, but you know what, I did her hair more less once in a month for past few years including buying hair dye and coloring her hair so.. And many other things, I always helped, sometimes bought groceries, ordered food online for her cat and dog. She once complained to someone about me that I didn’t call her for her birthday. It was mean, because I always tried to be nice, and she said this about this birthday, I must have forgotten about her birthday.. But she got offended and complained about me to some people. it was couple of years ago. Maybe she has already given me silent treatment before and I didn’t notice it? Doesn’t matter.

Anita you’re right that I can’t „make” her into something she’s not, or something I need. Or maybe I don’t „need” but it would be nice to have a nice grandma, but I „kind of” don’t have one so there. I can live with that. Very thankful for what you replied, I really am. Also, Mark thanks for congratulations, I am indeed very happy, my cousin and my aunt  are also looking forward to me moving and living in my own place. Thanks for making me feel „sane” because lately I’ve been having really weird thoughts and dreams. Yesterday I had this dream (that’s why I posted here, I felt the need to talk to someone) : in this dream I was at some party, and I got a text message and I „knew” there was something wrong with grandma and that the text was regarding her health. But I didn’t tell anyone. And then someone told me that grandma was dead. And then I thought: yes I already knew it, because I know it was in the text message but I was too lazy to read this text and tell anyone, and just later pretended to be as surprised as anyone else. What was so unusual in this dream? The feeling of guilt, being a bad person for doing this to grandma. I felt I was this sneaky, evil, shady person who committed such a disgusting „crime” of knowing she was dead and pretending I didn’t know. That’s why I decided to post here because it really freaks me out, what’s been happening.