Dear Anita,

No  one is good except for herself, in her own mind.

You wrote that you thought that your mother “feels more than the average person, cares more, loves more”- she hates more. “I have a clean heart”, she said many times. No, she has a hateful heart. She doesn’t only hate the individuals that did hurt her before, she hates  forevermore.

She hates everyone and she lies a lot. She lies a whole lot.

So true that she does not believe anyone is good except her own self.  no one is good enough, no one has a clean heart.  if at any given time someone conveniently helps her move her agenda, that person may be “deemed good” for just that second.  in reality it is all lies like you said.  all lies.  all the stories.

The thing is, she hated to be alone, because it made her face nothing but her own self.  yet, she was burdened by the presence of others if things didn’t go exactly according to her mood (ever changing) in that day.  in short, she is an unlovable, miserable, liar.

I thought a lot last night after the posts to you.

i am obsessed with the happiness and contentment of others. my mother has told me – NO LIED TO me – my entire life. the lives of others in her eyes, made up, were a fallacy fed to me.  others are lucky. we are not.  others have the right path – we do not.

others will find happiness, we will not.  period. end of story. no matter what ever and ever.

I see a slight opening in my mind today, I have read all that you wrote – and I see something, hard to put into words.

I suffer as a child of a liar. Children of criminals, convicts, and socipaths suffer.  So do children of liars

Of course – if  I saw a patient who was fed lies his/her whole life, I would say wow: how much suffering, how sad for her, wow she has no perspective of reality, she only knows a false world that was skewed and biased.

So if I worry, why I focus outward, why I can’t enjoy the moment just my spouse and I, why I deviate to think about others even when it doesn’t make sense – it isn’t because I was just to do so…it’s more than that.

I was taught this outside world is where the glitter and luck is, and if I spend my time there, perhaps I have a chance at it too.  It is the place to seek, elsewhere, as only there is that chance.  Spending time here and now, within myself and mine, there is no chance of it – so quickly go elsewhere.  Go quick and find.

the reality is that the others arent so happy and lucky, theyre just normal.  no one is better or luckier, or more fortunate.  but believing this is like searching for gold in world full of dust.

constantly searching for that gold, go get it girls