Hi Anita,

Thank you! I have been working really hard. I have been trying my best to stay focused on me and my goals. Sometimes I feel selfish though. Not enough to make me do anything I shouldn’t. I often am torn on whether I am doing the right things or if I myself am acting narcissisticly. Sometimes my actions remind me of the people in my past like my ex and his family. I am good to people and do not wish to manipulate them but I do come first. It is hard not to feel selfish because my entire life has been based on helping others and putting other people first. It was considered love to me in the past. Emotions are what I lived on. And that was better in a way but also worse in a way. I was depressed and anxious but boy when I was happy it was go lucky!! I felt more alive back then. Is that normal? Now that I am more i control of myself and my feelings and actions I feel just content and days pass by. I don’t get too many days of feeling love or loved or the happiness I used to when things were good at home or with my ex. I miss those days sometimes. I miss being naive sometimes. I do agree sometimes people create hurt to relieve it but my family more so I believe is like the rest of the world only like you when you are below them but once you start doing good or being happy they don’t want the “competition”. That is what it feels like. Which is so messed up because I would want nothing more than to see anyone in my family happy and doing well. Yes, there have been times I have been jealous but I would never hurt them for it or wish them bad or manipulate them. I would just get over it. I love Daniel dearly. He was my best friend my entire life and know he would be there in an instant if I called him or at least I hope. He has reached out and invited me for dinner one night. But he is so lost in his relationship I just feel like it is not him and that hurts. Not just because he hurt me but because I cannot save him and this time I won’t try and this time I won’t sacrifice myself to help him. So I know this time if he falls he will fall flat on his face and that is scary to me but then I think I fell flat on mine and no one but myself was there to pick me up so if I can do it so can he. It just really really sucks Anita that all of the closest people to me are not really in my life any more.  Some times I look up and wonder why. I have learned a lot but man I loved these people. Where are they? Why don’t they love me enough to sacrifice for me? Is it because they have been where I am and are just putting themselves first like I am? Or are they intentionally hurting me through projection? Or another million things I research. Confused in life, how are you?