Dear Cali Chica:

You are welcome, I’ll try to itemize in future communication as well. But in this post I will not itemize (a bit confused about the numbers here):

“I will hold on to the fact that I am special, as is… in order to let go of my mother and the Super role she forced me into”- letting go of her does not mean letting go of the special/super role. I will call this special, super role/feeling/belief personal worth.

If letting go of your mother meant that you had to let go of your personal worth, it wouldn’t happen, the mental unit will remain as is.

But shift your perception of what your personal worth means- shift it away from what she told you it was about- the color of your skin and eyes and your dancing/schooling/ other performances and toward (what your mother didn’t see in you and didn’t possess herself) your quest for the truth, insight, honesty, persistence/ dedication/ not giving up, courage.

“it was hard to think of my mother as anything outside of what she exclaimed to be”- we believe what she says, automatically, naturally, 100% trusting. As young children we don’t see our mother and the truth as two separate items, they are the same. But for as long as we don’t separate the two (when they are significantly different), we remain confused about who she is, who we are and who anyone is.

She repeatedly said she had a clean heart and you believed her and unless you correct this belief and see that she had a dirty heart (lies, disloyal, selfish, severely mistreating her own children, and more), then you are forever confused about your  own heart and the heart of anyone you meet.

You wrote that she told you “oh how nice it is here, so many people!”, “oh it is so fun at their house, they have so much family over”. So you believed she likes and desires company, lots of people. “but when I would  introduce my mother to these scenarios in the hope for her to find happiness, she would.. be angered, irritated and complaining, so many examples of this”. When she said those things to you, made so many statements about how wonderful it is over there, with many people, it was some sort of nostalgia regarding her childhood of long ago, some long ago experience that is lost to her/ cannot be duplicated). And sometimes she said those things as a way to get you and your sister OUT of the house so that she can be alone.

“the biggest lie was that there was unity between her and I”- notice this very important point: once you feel this sentence, really feel it as you think it, think it as you feel it, it will be the beginning of your emotional separation from her, that is, you exiting that mental unit with her. There is no way to force or rush this feeling, the hurt and sadness and anger involved.

-I didn’t understand, “my mother threw me under the bus, to punish me”- literally or figuratively???

“the fact that my mother’s words to the outside were never congruent with her personal talk to me is key… She was showing a false persona, she had no trouble being evil in reality, but glorious and bragging in her public ways”

“being told how this rosy world is ‘reality’ and this miserable American life is a ‘tragedy’ was so detrimental to my sister and I”- having her as your mother was the tragedy, doesn’t matter the location. Having her as a mother was detrimental to you and to your sister.

“From the moment you are born, you are born into the bad world”- correct for you and for your sister (and for me years before in another place in the world). When our mothers are bad people, about to betray our trust in her, lie to us, intentionally and repeatedly hurt us, on purpose, intentionally, well, we are born indeed into a bad world.

“It is better now as her physical presence is no longer a daily threat (or active ongoing threat)”- well, that was the tragedy, being born to a daily threat. It is a tragedy, because that daily threat during our formative years of childhood does become our active ongoing threat, her mental rep.

“she would often ridicule me and say ‘oh you think you’re happy just wait… I  know you, you can’t sleep at night- very unhappy you are”- what do you think she meant by it, can you explain it to me?

anita