Dear Anita,

You asked:

Is it that still existing empathy (perhaps not felt easily, but still it is there) for her that makes it difficult for the CC part of the mental unit with her, to have power over the Mother part of this mental unit? Because you don’t have empathy for yourself, you see yourself as a tough.. dog, with a big bark and you don’t want to .. crush that alleged fragile puppy.. in that mental unit?

I do not believe, in my conscious mind I have an empathy for her.  In fact there goes that saying, it takes effort to love someone, and to hate someone – but not to “nothing’ someone.  To be “over someone” is to not feel much for that person.  Of course when it comes to your own mother – it is not a matter of forgetting this person and moving on.

I do not believe I have empathy for her – but I also do not believe I have developed true empathy for my husband – it is just starting.

To an untrained ear or eye, they would thing – well why is it this or that, he or her? but as you know, my devotion and dedication to my mother took away from any other being, even my OWN self, and of course my husband. In fact she taught me in many ways it was wrong to honor a man, and respect him.  She never taught me what true love and respect was.  How could she? She had no true love or respect for me, her own daughter.  What is there to emulate?

I saw this morning as i had a chat with my husband, that truly truly – I am learning this all on my own now.  In the sense that many women may treat a husband based on how they saw their mother treat their father, an older sister.  Or perhaps how an older mentor figure – aunt, priest, family friend etc – guided them.  I had no guidance whatsoever Anita.  All my so called guidance was lies.

So, this morning I thought about what it means to learn how to love and respect – at the age of 33 – honestly for truly the first time.  It isn’t as natural as it may seem to others.  This combined with the major clouding of my mind – the outward focus.

We began this whole series of conversations based on my inquiry to you about outward focus.  The day I was walking in the park, endless chatter, mind chatter, and some verbal chatter about every which thing, unable to stay still with here and mine.

I see that this ignited the conversation and the exercise, and I see now that the truth is: I have to see my mother for who she is, the lies.  So I may feel less/no GUILT in acting the way I want.  See what holds me back isn’t empathy for my mothers, but still believing somewhat who SHE told me I am.  It is uncovering the truth about her – so I may uncover the truth about me.