Anita- My responses:

1. As far as i can remember the first time i blamed it all on myself is when my first boyfriend (and the only) broke up or rather ghosted me. The last time i met him before he ghosted me, we had such a lovely time and all was more than just well. Out of the blue i then found him gone. Absolutely clueless about what happened. We were quite open about our relationship, in the sense that all our friends and even family knew about it. It was all good. So when out of nowhere he left me without giving me a reason, i was devastated. I tried getting in touch with him through all sources. Literally begged him (over texts, emails, voice notes, messengers and what not) to atleast tell me what made him do what he did. But no, i never heard from him. That’s exactly when i started taking it all on myself. After that i had never been in a relationship. I did date a few men but was never physical (except for this last guy) and it did not last long either (mostly ends up me getting ghosted). But the only difference in the process of healing which involved my boyfriend and the other dates is that i silently suffered when it was any man other than my boyfriend. I never let the men i dated see the vulnerable side of mine.

2. Honestly, i think he would have thought that i am no more interested in him or am expecting too much or being too demanding. This is all i think would have crossed his mind had he thought about me.