Hey X.

Hmm, online dating….not something I have any personal experience of but I have a variety of friends who have used it.  My opinion, it’s like any tool – it’s success or not is going to depend on how you use it and your mind-set/reasons behind it.  For example, I have a friend who is very anxious, nervous and is only physically attracted to ‘bad boys’, similar to you in not being able to like ‘nice men’ physically enough to date them. Her experience of online dating didn’t go well because she was still repeating that pattern, just more frequently.  Whereas two other friends who for a variety of reasons were ‘ready’ for a good relationship very quickly ended up finding partners they’re still still happily married to ten years later.   So do I think it can help – absolutely. Do I think you have a big risk of simply repeating your current pattern – also absolutely unless you change it first…

If you think about Shelby/Kkasxo’s issues objectively, it becomes clear that their biggest problem is they are both refusing to see the reality of their partners – preferring to stubbornly cling to the version that lives only in their heads to be able to avoid change.  Dreaming of what they would each like their guy to be, what he could be – another romantic fantasy of sorts. Though Kkasxo has actually made really good progress in opening her eyes lately which is hugely encouraging.

It’s the same thing you are doing when you invest time and energy imagining what a potential partner is like when you get a crush on someone. The crush isn’t about the real person as you don’t know them – it’s about the fantasy of what you imagine he is. So (knowingly or unknowingly) you assign him all the characteristics you want in a man, imagine he will be perfect, he will whisk you off your feet and look after your happy ever after. And then unsurprisingly reality crashes in as you get to know him more – how can anybody live up to perfection in your head afterall. So you get disappointed, decide you are better off back alone and retreat to your safe place where you don’t have to deal with this upsetting reality. Then after a while, you are ready to try again or someone sparks a new glimmer of interest and the cycle begins again.

So I think whilst you can definitely improve your chances of meeting a good man for you – I think you will repeat this pattern until you change it, break it.

One way I know helped me on how to do this is to invest effort in recognising and separating your thought patterns from your actions ( the book I recommended to Shelby/Kkasxo is good at this ). Rather than spending time imagining, guessing, dreaming, hoping – it’s doing the scarier thing of finding out, asking, doing, determining reality for yourself.

Enjoy your trip back home – and if it’s to visit your parents – don’t let your mother make you feel bad. I’m not that dissimilar to you, tom-boy as a kid, lots of male friends, worked in a male-dominated environment, no real interest in traditional female activities etc etc ( though I can cook now after 20 years! ). It’s not what stops you finding the right man for you, trust me on that one…

We are off to Granada in Spain in a couple of weeks so will get some sun there if not here – though it’s still great at the moment. Nothing better than sitting outside with a book and a glass of something chilled!

Take care.