Hi all, first of all I want to apologise that I don’t post here that often and when I do it’s only about my own issues, I guess when I have a period of feeling ok I tend to stay away because I don’t want to think about sad stuff, therefore it’s only when I’m feeling down that I come here. I’m gonna try to visit more often, even when I’m feeling good, because I think that’s healthy, but for now I’m feeling terrible and I need to post about it.

Since I last posted I’ve started a new job and actually started seeing a new girl and for a bit there things were going ok, but now after the initial excitement of those wore off I’m feeling worse than ever. It feels like I’m doing what I’m supposed to do but none of it is helping, at least not permanently. It’s like I’m stuck in this awful pit of pain and I can’t see any way out. I actually (and this is something I’ve only shared with one close friend) googled suicide techniques, not because I want to kill myself exactly, just because I wanted to know that if I really really can’t take this pain any more then there is a way out. But I read that only 1 in 30something suicide attempts is actually successful and more often than not the person just ends up giving themselves some sort of horrible injury and making their life worse. So now I feel like even that isn’t an escape from this pain.

I just want my ex back, I want our life back, I want to live in our house again, with our cats, planning our wedding, watching films on the weekend and talking about how each others day went etc. She ripped all of that away from me with no warning. She was my best friend and the person I trusted with my life and I never expected this to happen.

Maybe if I’d at least slightly seen it coming I would be able to deal with it, but as far as I was aware everything was fine, better than ever even (we had got engaged 3 weeks prior, after all), then suddenly one night my world came crashing down. People keep comparing it to if she had suddenly died, but y’know what? It may be selfish but I think this is worse (for me) than if she had died. If she had died I would have kept the house (it was bought for us by her grandparents), I would have kept the cats (I can’t have one where I’m living now), I would have been able to stay in contact with her family (whom I love), her family and friends also would have been grieving so I wouldn’t been alone in all of this pain and most of all I wouldn’t have to deal with the thought that despite all the love I feel for her she just didn’t want to be with me. Like I say, I know that is a very selfish way to feel because obviously for her/her friends/her family etc. her dying absolutely wouldn’t be better, plus if I truly love her I should want her to be happy even without me etc. etc. etc. but that’s just how I feel at the moment.

But despite how much she’s hurt me, I just want her back. I want to work on whatever issues we had and get back to our life, but unfortunately she would need to want to do that too, which clearly she doesn’t, and that kills me.

Apologies for the ramble there, I hope the rest of you are doing better than I am at the moment.