Hi Anita,

Thank you again for all your thoughtful contributions. They help me immensely, and I know it must not be easy to spend so much time doing so. Please know that I am so grateful!

Regarding my answer to your question number 7, I just realized I misread it. For some reason when I answered that I would break up with him, I read your question as what would happen if we argued and did not get along. Somehow I did not read bored and not attracted to him. I feel getting “bored” is somewhat of an inevitability as you mention in long term relationships. In fact, I don’t crave the intense excitement I once felt with past partners anymore. I now enjoy the comfort and safety I feel with my current partner rather than that short intense excitement. That being said, I did notice our physical chemistry was lacking, even though I found him very attractive. To this day I struggle to understand why that piece was missing, and I wonder if it was to do with the distance and inability to be emotionally or physically intimate enough to grow.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is that I don’t think we would break up simply because I was somewhat bored and not physically attracted to him. I think I would try to see if we could work it out if there was some underlying cause that was leading to this. That being said, it seems it might have become a moot point. We were planning our summer vacation together, and for me to come to see him to once again and for me to take a critical look at Switzerland to see if I could make a life for myself there when we had another small disagreement. He has not been feeling well the last week, and I noticed whenever we spoke in the morning (for him), and evening (for me), he was sort of short. I asked him about this, and rather than be supportive when he told me he was not feeling well, I criticized him for “taking it out” on me and not being nicer. This lead to a fight in which he ultimately told me he doesn’t think he can do this anymore, that being my partner is exhausting, that cheering me up and saying what I want him to all the time is a full time job that he simply doesn’t have time for.

We were planning for me to come only a month from now… I feel like once again I pulled him close only to push him away. I feel I really needed this last trip, to see for myself how we are together and his country again once and for all to know for sure if I should or shouldn’t go there. Now it feels like the choice was taken from me. I feel sick to my stomach that my issues and insecurities are the primary cause of this break up, of the issues I had in this relationship. To be honest, I’m not even sure if we would have any issues at all (save for the distance) if not for the projection from my past you mention.

I know he is not perfect, but neither am I–far from it. I feel that I took for granted how hard he tried to soothe my anxieties and depression, how often he tried to cheer me up from my current issues as well as those from my past, including exes. He never should have been put in that position. He told me once that he feels robbed of what could have been between us had I not done that, and I just feel so sad when I think of this. I don’t know really if we could have made a long term relationship work or not, but I feel miserable and angry with myself that I didn’t let myself see. At this point, I’m not sure if I should bother fighting for us anymore if I should try to still come to see him (as I usually do when these disagreements happen). In the last 2 years, he truly has become my best friend and confidant, and I feel so terribly sad at the idea of us no longer being that for each other anymore. I just feel so lost.. and that no matter what I do, there is no perfect outcome. If I make this relationship work, I will be thousands of miles away from friends and family. Even if I am happy there, if I have children one day, they will likely not know my family very much. And if we decide to separate once and for all, I feel like I will always miss him…

Honestly, I think I have reached the point that if I cannot make this relationship work, I don’t think I want to try another anymore. I have no desire to replace him as I did in the past with other exes. I just miss him and the feeling of safety I had with him. Yes, the passion was sort of missing, but is that really what’s important in long term relationships? He did so many selfless things for me that past exes never would do. I just wish I had focused on that more, not allowed my anxious brain to run rampant about anything I perceived as negative or wrong or him not caring about me. I just don’t know if I can fix this now, and I feel huge amounts of guilt about it, paired with intense sadness and grief.