Dear dreaming715:

First, history: your relationship with your fiancé began in June 2016. You posted about him July 31, 2016: “I’m not technically in a ‘relationship’ (i.e. boyfriend/ girlfriend), but I’ve been seeing a guy (I’ll call him ‘M’) for the past 6 and a half weeks.. I met M on a dating site.. he said he’s looking for a girlfriend and long term relationship… His communication in between dates has slowed down a lot… we’ve never had a conversation over the phone that wasn’t about meeting/ logistics. He’s never articulated how he’s felt about me… he doesn’t seem as eager t talk to me… I don’t know if this is normal dating  behavior?”

August 2016 you wrote: “We got food the other night and he ordered potato wedges and I ordered fries. The fries were not great and I commented, ‘You had the right idea to get the potato wedges’, and he didn’t say anything. I think I expected him to be like ‘Have some of mine!’… Also, when I spend the night he.. just says “All right… Think it’s time to get some sleep’ and rolls over.”

September 2016 you wrote: “He’s very reserved and admitted he’s uncomfortable about talking about things that are ‘very deep’. He said it makes him feel emotionally exhausted to have long discussions about these type of things. For example, last night I casually asked if he had been in love before. He quickly said, ‘yes.’. He dud not offer any more information… He did not ask me if I’ve ever been in love. He honestly seemed uncomfortable so I dropped it and we started talking about a much different, lighter topic”.

November 2016, you wrote: “sometimes I wonder if he falls into the spectrum of having high-functioning Asperger’s Syndrome? if this is the case it may explain a lot and help me to better understand him and our relationship.. I  just want to educate myself on how to better communicate with him in general… He is not very expressive with his mannerisms. His facial expressions are not very expressive and his tone of voice is generally monotone.. he sometimes gets confused during small talk… the intention of the question has to be explained sometimes… He’s very reserved. Very, very, very reserved… If we talk about feelings.. he gets physically uncomfortable, gets straight to the point, and then changes the subject within minutes… He does not usually engage in conversation or ask questions”.

April 2017, you wrote: “he feels very uncomfortable talking about ‘deep conversations.. He gives short responses and does not ask me any questions. In our 10 months of dating he has only said he loved me once completely out of the blue. He does say he loves me, but it’s only when we are hugging good-bye… he does not flirt in text… rarely calls me names like ‘hun’ or ‘babe’.. I was attempting to flirt with him.. it wasn’t acknowledged or reciprocated… He said he grew-up in a family that didn’t have deep conversations”.

October 2018, you wrote: “I love him very much though and he’s extremely giving in other areas of our relationship. He’s also loyal, kind, accepting, funny, patient, and understanding”.

My input today: I think you were correct Nov 2016, two years and eight months ago when you considered that he is on the autism spectrum. I think he is indeed “on the spectrum”,  emotionally shut down, and is at a loss in social interactions when non-concrete topics are discussed or otherwise communicated to him. He has a difficulty with abstract topics such as emotions and relationships. He is uncomfortable in such conversations because he is at a loss, he gets confused and is unable to process the information presented to him, so he changes the subject quickly to concrete topics.

When you flirted with him on text, it wasn’t concrete for him so he didn’t understand you were flirting with him. Then you told him that you were flirting with him and he flirted back. He needed to be told clearly what is going on, he needs concrete information, nothing that may have double meaning, or a hidden meaning.

He didn’t tell you randomly that he loves you but told you so when hugging goodbye, because the ending of  a date was a sign for him that saying I-love-you was appropriate. Otherwise, he doesn’t know when would be the right time. Therefore, he is not spontaneous and is incapable of being spontaneous, pretty much.

When you expressed to him in a restaurant that you didn’t like the fries you ordered, you expected him to offer you his potato wedges, but the idea didn’t occur to him, he didn’t make the connection. If you said to him: can I have some of your potato wedges, that would have been concrete for him and he would have offered you his potatoes.

You have to be very concrete in your communication with him, tell him what it is, no double or hidden meanings. Make sure that what you say to him has only one meaning and that the meaning is not hidden or abstract.

Sexually, he behaves just like he does during conversations about emotions, keeping it short and concrete. When you ask him to please you, he does, but you will have to ask him every time and be exact, then let him know he is doing a good job. If you understand that he is doing his best, and that this is all you get, you may be okay with it and enjoy it more.

Maybe you can see a professional consultant or counselor who can guide you further regarding communicating with a person on the spectrum. I know of a woman who says she is happily married to a man on the spectrum, who is, like your fiancé, very smart in concrete matters, has a great job that has to do with computer coding. She communicates with him concretely and it works very well for her.

anita