Hi Diletta,

I am glad that you have taken on board some of the perspectives that you have been given.  You have been with your husband for over 30 years and he has always been anxious.  In the earlier days, he could hide his anxiety behind finances, but now you are OK financially, he has transferred his anxiety to impending old age and death.

People who post, including myself, frequently say that you can’t change the other person, you can only change yourself.  Your husband has to want and be willing to change for his anxiety to be less of a problem for him and, by association, for you.  Worrying is a bad habit – as long as he has put reasonable plans in place for the future this should help him deal with his angst.  Some of this angst probably came from the environment he grew up in particularly bearing in mind the inherited health issues.

There is nothing wrong with you seeing him in the way you described – we are all multi layered – and it sounds to me as if you have a fairly close relationship and are able to discuss things.  It sounds a bit drastic to me to suggest that if your husband doesn’t comply with certain terms regarding therapy etc. that you should leave him for your own peace of mind.

Your own peace of mind and serenity has to come from you.  Painting can be a great form of meditation as it takes your thoughts away from ‘the problem’.  I suggested in an earlier post that you could think about joining an art group and go on the occasional excursion with them.  Giving yourself a break in this way could enable you to return refreshed.  You might also consider taking up an exercise routine to help you stay balanced – you might find that it gives you a feel good factor as well as all the other benefits it can have.

I hope you and your husband can work this out and continue to be by each other’s side in a loving and supportive way.

With my very best wishes.

Peggy