Morning Shelby,

Tired out and with those pesky hormones, they don’t help do they…

Regardless, there’s a lot of truth in what you wrote, a lot of total sincerity which I’m honoured to read. Thankyou for being brave enough to share.

No, we aren’t all the same, life would be very dull if we were. And yes, some of us find it easier to look to the positive than others, same way all of us find some things easy, some things hard.

Admitting that one truth deep down is hard, it takes honesty with yourself. As once acknowledged, the only way through is change or acceptance. Being grateful for all the good in your life just still feels ‘false’, if anything making you feel guilty for not being happy with ‘enough’. I think you will understand what I mean.

And yes, I have a lot of happiness in my life but the thing is, I wasn’t always this way. I haven’t just been one of the lucky ones to get happiness, though I know the kind you mean. A lot of people don’t really think too much about their lives, they have no real need to, no traumas, no fears, no hang-ups to overcome.  But I’ve had to work hard to allow myself to be happy, to not fear I will lose it all again and even harder to allow myself to be emotionally close to anyone. I still fight those natural urges to protect myself by running away, either physically or emotionally, though with so much practice now it comes much easier.

What I am trying to say is that I get it, totally.  When you’ve been abandoned or let down by someone you trust and love absolutely, it makes trusting in happiness and being open with people that much harder. And when it happens a lot, it’s the only pattern you know.  Shelby m’dear – you’ve had so much loss in your life – losing both your Mum and then for all intents and purposes a second Mum – I honestly have no idea how you found the bravery to even try being close to your ex. Those losses taught you that good things that you love with all your heart can be ripped away without warning. And so you learn it is safer to not be happy, not to hope for happiness because that way you will not have to hurt again. That you should settle for being ‘ok’, at least it won’t lead anywhere dangerous that may hurt you.

Even thinking about those losses is like poking an open wound, I know. But that deep down voice that knows you are unhappy – that’s why I know you aren’t someone who is just unhappy.  That’s someone who wants to heal but just needs some help to get through. I am really hoping you manage to be brave enough to talk with your therapist about your Mum and best friend, I know how hard that is going to be. But I honestly believe it’s the only way to start to stitch together that hurt in a way that actually heals. That allows you to trust in getting to know happiness and contentment. To know you are enough, strong enough.

The loneliness deep inside is true wherever you are. It is only by showing your true face to others that real connections happen. It’s a scary thing to do, well, for me anyway – took me a long time to learn. It’s kinda what I meant about way back, about trying to stay “open to life”. We all have bits of us we think others won’t like, won’t accept. And you can’t get hurt by not sharing, only by opening up. Either travelling or not, the only time  I’ve made real connections is by being brave enough to open and share the real me.

Realise I have gone on a little now, I hope by sharing I’ve let you get a sense of what can be, what I’ve gone through and learnt. In the meantime, a big hug and all my support heading your way. Take care.