Dear @anita and @peggy,

thank you for your replies, it really means alot to me that people will care enough to read and spend time crafting a reply.

if i could go for further counselling or formal psychiatry consultations i would. ever since college, when i kept catastrophizing everything, i wondered, do i have a mental health issue? yet the reasons why i could never visit a psychiatrist are firstly – it is too expensive, and secondly, because of the stigma that surrounds mental health. financially, i am not in a position to jeopardise my job. i need the money to make ends meet and also to support my parents. i simply am too afraid of adding something on my health record. what would i do if i lost my job?

i worked excessively even in college, when 3 years ago i shared my issue on the forum. it was out of desperation, and it remains the same today. i do not have a support system, with my parents telling me its all in my mind. it didnt help when i cried after my exams and was convinced that i was going to fail – only to score an A. i suppose to outsiders, it seems like i was the annoying student who would always complain about failing only to ace the tests. in reality, the fear is only too real. for example, i could redo each past year papers 3 times. i.e, 10 past year papers x3 and i would practise 30 times. just for a single module for a single semester. excluding all other prep work like tutorials (which i would also redo) and notes writing (i will also rewrite them most times). behind the pretty list of As, lies an insane amount of fear, which i once told my coursemate when he commented that i was “naturally smart”. he told me i was insane.

i survived the anxiety attacks in college, but the workforce is a near impossible. back when i was a student, it feel comforting that even if i did screw up, only i would be affected. at work, my performance affects my colleagues, my boss, my company. my work while i admit is high impact, although my pay isnt as high as others might think, requires me to pretty much not make any mistakes. the reason is because the work is high impact and decisions have a serious impact. it doesnt help that sheer effort or hardwork hardly helps, since i couldnt afford to be wrong and there isnt trial and error per se. unlike in school, doing 30 times of past year papers helps. it has come to a point where i am so terrified of making mistakes, saying the wrong things. i even penned a suicide letter, wrote in anonymously to a suicide prevention penpal service, in my attempts to resolve my anxiety, my fears. i penned in journals, on my blog, meditated, exercised, watch talks on mindfulness etc. even when i am acutely aware that i am faring very badly on the mental scale, and am genuinely trying to change it, like writing on this forum again, after 3 years, out of desperation, i still cannot get rid of my fears.

and through all these, i wonder, am i useless at work? i do not see my colleagues struggling as much as i do. so i am the useless one, who is incapable of doing work well?

i am exhausted, i really am, and i honestly have no one to speak with who would understand in real life what i currently going through. i am still hanging on to my work, being jobless isnt an option. but i just feel so lost.