Dear @anita and @peggy,

my parents have mostly retired, and by support i would mean providing them with a monthly allowance, to allow them to retire happy and to do the things they want.

they come from a time when they had to work extremely hard, physically and when life was hard. to them, mental illness, or any emotional issues aren’t detrimental. to them, i have had a good life. i live in a safe environment, i get food and dressed well, i go to college, etc. they cannot relate to mental health matters. unfortunately, they think its all in the mind, and can be controlled but in reality, it is not so. hence, i was unable to voice out to them how i really feel. i havent had friends who could likewise relate to mental health issues. where i live today, it remains very much so a stigma. hence i could only turn to other ways to work on my anxiety and fear of failure. reading about it, exercise, meditation, journaling, watching inspirational videos, i also actually tried aromatherapy body massages… i even used an anxiety relieving mouth spray everytime i had an exam.

counselling was possible in college because it was free. as an adult, a single session usually costs over 100bucks. to people around me, i am a smiling simple person who gets overly scared of work mistakes. a timid person. but i dont think people realise that it wasnt just being timid. i actually huddled in toilet cubicles crying. i went to the emergency staircase to cry. i cried at my desk when its late and no one was around. i didnt want anyone to see me cry. my room door at home remains closed all the time. i felt safer. i felt like i could at the least, cry and let out a fraction of my anxiety. some people tell me, i overthink, sometimes i do realise it, but realising it alone doesnt stop the worrying. the fear. i can only describe the fear as the anxiety before an exam you were unprepared for, except every day, every few hours. its emotionally draining.

what is failure to me? having done something wrong, a mistake at work. given the impact of my work, every mistake is scrutinised. “who made that mistake?” is the question asked. i fear not only sabotaging myself, but also the company. studying was easier, only i suffer after i screw up. i am not sure if it was from my bullying in high school. it was a sports competition, when i had to participate in an event i did not prepare for, as my partner had fallen ill on the day. my teacher had instructed me to participate, as an individual, but as i did not practise for the individual event, i messed up and some people took photos and they were available on social media. i felt useless and embarrassed since then, and i never had instagram because i hated having my photos taken ever since. there were also juniors i overheard asking why i was so weak. i am not sure if these events made me into someone afraid of being laughed at, but i am definitely afraid of that. i was also afraid that i wasnt good enough.

such a fear only came about when i was in college however. it amplified after i entered the workforce. i still keep an acceptable exterior, it probably seems to people i am a timid scaredy cat afraid of mistakes. thankfully, i can still hold on to a job, but deep down, i am struggling to not cry, to not runaway and escape.