Dear Anita,

I hope you have a positive evening as well.

I will write more here, to continue the thought process which we started, knowing you will read this tomorrow.

I thought about how I said outward, I am a terrible interpersonal communicator..  How that felt good.

It felt good to not cover something up, perhaps that is like the constant showing up that has been exhausting to do.  Perhaps it is like the social butterfly role.  I think often how the social butterfly gets exhausted, she over did it.

But I think so much of it is beyond being over tired, over exhausted.  It is being given an identity that is not mine per se.  Or perhaps wanting to create a whole new identity.

So much of my talk is frenzied speech..  So much of my “socialness” is not knowing when to shut up.  So much of it is guilt and knee-jerk pattern based. Do I enjoy the company of others, sure.  But have I become increasingly resentful, yes..  The inner circle.

We talked a lot about the inner circle this month (well in July).  I looked at my roots as why I would get so mad and annoyed at S, oh her stupid wedding.  Attributing it to not wanting to engage all the time, or hear about BS.

The thing is it has all pointed to one thing, Cali Chica is tired.  But she does not just want to rest, she wants to change.  She wants to go into a cocoon and come out as a different butterfly. A rebirth, a transformation.  She does not like the costume she is wearing right now.  And yes the visual of relinquishing the wonder woman costume for the slim nude silhouette is sexy and appealing – it doesn’t just happen this way.

In my “therapy” work today – I realize many false truths about myself.  First of which is that I am a good interpersonal communicator.  I think about how blind my mother was to how she came off to others, and who she was in the world.  I am similar.

Acting out of frenzy is not your innate self.  So if I am constantly frenzied, am I ever myself? Yes, I am myself online when I speak to you.  I am myself in small moments when I do whatever I want without fear of others.

Do you want to know something? You know how I tell you that I often have mindless chatter about other people.  Useless stuff, oh M came to work today and she was telling us how hard it is for kids to get into schools here.  Oh Y is going away this weekend but all their plans got ruined, oh Z is doing this.  It  isn’t gossip or malice or anything, it is just mindless chatter and talk.

Well today, I had none of it.  Because I was too tired.

I love being too tired.  When I am too tired I am my true self.  I am authentic CC.  The true needs, wants, wishes, and calm state comes out. It is this person that is a sponge for change and growth.

The frenzied CC is too busy buzzing around to be back down to earth, floating around not grounded.  Not on purpose of course.

It shouldn’t have to be this way, the day after an enraged breakdown I have clarity and I am grounded and too tired to be frenzied.  Too tired to be frenzied, so not frenzied.  It can’t be this way, it is not a way to live, falling to bottom to feel your true self.  A vicious cycle.

Surely there must be a way to access this “too tired” innate CC without that.  I know it will be with mindfulness.  I know there will be no easy way.

I also see this visual of a bumble bee buzzing around aimlessly back and forth up and down in and out.  Making it no where, buzz buzz buzz.  I see how tired this bumble be gets, but accomplishing nothing.  This has been the past few years.  Not that I made no progress.  But there is usesless distress, and useful learning.  The meaningless distress is the buzzing around, feeling it means something, or has a voice, but it is just useless.

I instantly have a visual of my mother on the couch.  Small woman, petite in height on a long couch, with a blanket almost over her head.  Like a squirmy child, in distress pouting and – yes not in reality.  Unable to grasp what is going on.  This mother child  squirming around making child like noises, so if to say, hellp me save me I am drowning over here.  I feel no remorse for her, I feel nothing. I see it and think of a sick person, a flawed person, a lifelong patient in the psych ward – who never actually showed up.

So yes, I have seen useless cyclical distress my ENTIRE LIFE, and not seeing any progress.  Not seeing the value of support, help, therapy, change.  Of course not..  It was taken as is.  This is how your mother is..  Done.

This is why I do not see the value of support, help, therapy, or change.  I have no hope or faith in it innately because I never saw it.  its not like I had a mother who attended therapy and learned to manage anger.  Or a mother who worked on herself to be less aggressive to my father.  Or a mother who changed for the better even one percent, or a mother who said how much we helped her, but never was helped.  Nothing helped her. So of course I don’t have faith that anything can help.  Of course I don’t see value in any “tactics to change.”

But here’s the huge gap – my mother never even TRIED! (not to say if she did she would be better, but for conversation sake). she never tried.  She never once did anything to try to become better, and convinced us that the way she is – is how she is – and that is her both curse and achievement.  How interesting.  Such a curse to be emotional she would repent, and another tie, oh look how much I feel, God made me so caring.

If I saw how much we “did” for my mother and she only got worse, how do I have any faith in what support truly does..?