Michelle,

How do you get past and live in the now?  Now that is an age old spiritual question.  To practice being in the present moment is a a life long practice.  To meditate and to be mindful are tools to do that.  It is a practice.  Catching yourself in the worry and then coming back to the present is a practice.  Go forth and meditate.  Go forth and find a spiritual practice that does mindfulness. Go find a community that supports that.

And are you an emotional masochist? My take on your story is that you are a courageous woman who is willing to put yourself out there to find someone to be with who can enrich your life, who can delight you, who can show you the emotional and sexual possibilities in your life.  That may be a temporary thing or more a long term thing but that’s the risk to explore and grow.  It’s all about finding your way to happiness.  There are no guarantees or formula for this.  True, it requires self-awareness and learning from your past experiences so work on that.

In the meantime, enjoy your life and relationship!

Mark