Thank You Mark.

You make it sound so easy.

I am happy but also so sad right now. (I wasn’t sad until today). Again I don’t regret that I got to meet a wonderful person. I am thankful for every moment that we have had. It just feels so unfair that he is going away so soon.

I find myself rationalizing with myself how this can somehow work out. After writing here I sent him a message asking if we had to totally uproot it. Not pause life but keep it casually open meet somewhere in the world perhaps, or I can see what it is like on his side of the world. He responded that we should think about it with a smile.

I have accomplished nothing today because I can’t stop obsessing over the future which is not real and I have no way of knowing what it holds for me.

I will try to bring myself into the present every time I slip into those thoughts. Besides, I don’t want it to just be me that is worried about him leaving. It would feel nice if he reciprocated in wanting this to somehow work out. Which I guess he has in his own expectation that we will keep in touch. He just seems to be so much better at living in the present than me.

Mark, I know that you admire me, but I have separation anxiety and don’t know why I do this to myself. I understand that nothing is forever but I think if I’m honest with myself I prefer the unknown. It is such a catch 22 I don’t want short term but I don’t want to deprive myself of wonderful moments as I had with him out of fear of heartache and fear of the future. When iI’mold and senile I will enjoy remembering that FIRST kiss we shared and made me smile all night 🙂

Why does everything that makes us feel good to seem to have a cost of some emotional pain?

Thank you for your response.