Dear Sheshe,

I also have an anxious attachment style and have been in relationships with partners who have avoidant attachment styles. Here’s my thoughts…

Read what you have written above as if it was written to you by a dear friend. What would you tell that dear friend? Would you tell her, “Keep waiting for this guy to turn around and figure out he loves you. Wait forever.”? Or would you tell her, “There’s lots of other men out there. Forget him, and find other people to date.”

I highly recommend you learn more about attachment style theory. There’s a mass market book on the subject called “Attached: the New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find and Keep Love” by Amir Levine. It’s a fairly easy and quick read. You can also google ‘adult attachment styles’ and find a lot information as well.

Take what you have learned so far and look at his behavior as a sort of gift from the universe. This is the universe’s way of letting you know this person is not for you.

An attachment style can be difficult, although not impossible, to change. But your boyfriend has to be willing to try to change. You would also have work to do on your side, as well. That is, learn how a person with a secure attachment style thinks and behaves like and strive to think and behave that way. A secure person, wanting a relationship to become closer, to deepen, might gently probe the person they are dating… “You know, I’m really enjoying dating you, and I’d like to see you more often. I’d also like to meet your friends. How do you feel about that?” Then sit back and see what the other person’s response is.

It’d be good if you can find a therapist to work with on these issues. (From personal experience, I know good therapists can be hard to find and expensive, depending on where you live and other factors.) If it’s not possible right now, keep reading and learning more about attachment styles.

I wish you well.

Lost Soul

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Lost soul.