Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your post today. I woke up today with extremely severe muscle tension, I’ve mentioned headaches to you before, and it was one of my worst ones. It makes sense, a sfor me like clockwork usually this body muscle tension is a combination of the stress from the prior week or two. Our body keeps the score. Yes it does. And I know very well this is my body’s way of talking to me  I resent it at times but it’s reality

I tried not to get angry at this today, I quickly jumped into ways to ease the symptoms, I live in a modern society, I am educated, and live in New York City there are tools at my fingertips, I can use them to bring out the best in me.  As I should. Annoyance and questioning the situation won’t “self soothe”. This Term that you have taught me is very important. So what did I do? I took a pain reliever, which I seldom do. I went to a yoga class. And I got a 15 minute massage. Did one of those things help? No. But the combination of all of them, I feel like a new person eight hours later. Look at that.

And that’s just it, knowing yourself, knowing that you are not super, knowing that you have to take a time out and do such things even when times get tough.

I will read all of your post tomorrow and Monday. This is all very important work for me. I notice how I had a very rough two weeks, perhaps a true depressive episode, doesn’t matter the term – But looking back all of July culminated to a week of rage and true distress this past week. I see it you saw it. I am only human. It is true and real. I cannot judge it. I have to work on it. Simply and straightforward with the right goals and homework.

I questioned many times this past week if I am just going in circles, if my healing path is not going NET positive. I know today after utilizing three treatments to cure my headache and muscle tension – That yes, I am still going net positive. BUT (huge but) I need tremendous help and support. This is not just support as in I need support from other people, I need it for myself. I cannot visualize myself as just a normal member of society working hard like any New Yorker, no I have had unusual level of trauma and therefore have an unusual amount of distress that I unload. So at any given moment my neurons are activated with past trauma. I must be patient with this. I must change my life to accommodate this. Yes I must change my life to accommodate this. Whatever it may be. Because if I don’t, I will have no life. No life at all.

I am taking the rest of the day easy just like I already did. Have something to eat and have a nice rest I hope. I will talk to you soon. Thank you as always my dearest Anita.

And lastly –

There is no judgment on how we spend our day, who or what. If we feel good and we feel some softness in our heart that is all that will ever matter

• This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.