It’s really difficult to know exactly when because I had been in denial about my feelings for quite some time. 

I was speaking to a close friend of mine, who happens to be a mutual friend too. He told me that she was coming over for a week. 

I couldn’t stand it. Not just the fact she was going to be around – that was already hard enough because I wanted to see her, but didn’t want to either – but that even hearing her name made me feel physically and emotionally ill. 

I casually asked if she had been talking about me or something, and he told me that she didn’t want to come get a drink at the bar I run because “(my name) is mad at me and I don’t know why”. 

We talked about her a bit more and he suddenly asks “You still love her don’t you?”  

And it’s at this point that I knew I still had feelings for her, and realised how much of an absolute bellend I had been. 

So 3 years. It took me 3 years to stop convincing myself that I didn’t have any feelings for, and that I had been a utter twat to her. 

I didn’t cut contact with her because I didn’t care about her, nor because I had lost attraction. I cut contact because I didn’t think she liked me back.