Dear Kay:

You wrote regarding him asking you what you want: “I answered: ‘I want you’ and changed the topic, since I am avoidant of hearing something I do not want to hear… Perhaps he had been trying to tell me over this weekend we talked, but I always changed the topic“.

You changed the topic because you are afraid of what he will say and how badly it will make you feel. Jan 2019 you wrote: “I remember that my mother was always angry at me and that many times I just prayed and wished to die.. my mother did not like anything I did or say, sometimes she got physical with her anger and maybe that is why I was so afraid to  be alone with her. Some other times she just stopped talking to me, or just threaten us with abandon us””-

-An Angry mother is a Scary mother, for her child. You were so scared living with your angry, punishing mother that you have been scared ever since to be in a close relationship with a man. This is why you had none before the age of 29 (“I had never experienced any kind of relationship, not even a kiss”). And this is why you change the subject- you are afraid that this man you grew to like will do what your mother did: say angry things to you, express to you that he doesn’t like anything you do  or say, that he will stop talking to you and that he will threaten to abandon you, all the things your mother did to you. We keep re-experiencing our childhood most powerful troubled relationship all through our adult lives (unless we take on the difficult and long healing process).

You wrote Jan this year: “Four years ago I got a job offer to work abroad, I accepted it without hesitation, maybe  I was trying to escape from everything in my home country  including my mother. I wanted to be free”- but you are not free from her anger and the words she said to you. Her anger and words keep replaying in your brain and they keep scaring you.

I suggest you do tell  him (as calmly as you can, respectfully, not accusing him of anything) that you saw him with another woman. Ask him who this woman is, if he  is in a relationship with her. You may be surprised that he will not get angry with you, that he will not criticize you for asking him this question, that he will not turn to be … your mother.

That would be a learning opportunity for you: not all  people are your mother (what a relief that is)!

anita