Dear Javairia:

From your May thread of this year, I figure the following: you are now 16 or 17, living with your mother and two older siblings. Your father left the home when you were about seven. “As long my childhood memories go, I’ve ALWAYS seen my parents fight”, you wrote there. And “When I was about 6 yrs old, my mom attempted to commit suicide right in front of me (and I was the only witness standing there”, you wrote as well. To top your less than wonderful childhood experience, you also “had these health problems since childhood.. back problem from birth.. kidney problems, eye sight problem and lots of fevers through my childhood”.

About your two siblings you wrote then: One does drugs now, and the other one is a stupid bitch literally”. Your older brother attempted suicide the night of Feb 13 this year. You heard the what was happening but the next day you “went through the day .. as if nothing happened”.

You have found out that talking to your mother or anyone else about all this is “of no use, they don’t do anything about that. They just listen and don’t bother.

In these tough life circumstances, in your home, you took on a role: “I’ve also bore the responsibility of ‘good child’ who would support them when they’ll be depressed, who would pick them up first ignoring my own mental health, who would cheer them up.. who would always live up to take any responsibility there is to take because my brothers would never do that”. Outside the home, at school and elsewhere, your role is that of “the happy-go-lucky kinda optimistic person”.

You witness your mother belittling herself, not having the “nerve to take a divorce or stand up for herself with courage”, you feel hate toward yourself, feeling that you are “not enough person”. Since you were 14 you have self harmed at times. “I only have anger issues with myself. I get angry at myself too often and harm myself”.

Four moths after your first thread you started this thread with: “I’ve been struggling with my identity, lately”-

My input today: your story shows me how strong a human being is or can be. It is amazing all that you experienced and still do, and yet, you are here to tell about it and still hope for a better life.

Your identity is not the same as the role  you took on. Clearly you are not happy-go lucky. And understandably so.

Back in May you wrote that you plan to talk to your guidance counselor at school but didn’t post after that, so I don’t know if you did make an appointment and talked to the counselor. Did you?

Back  in May  I suggested that you look into possibilities of you no longer living at home, perhaps get such information from the guidance counselor, maybe moving to a group home for teenagers, supervised by responsible adults, getting psychotherapy or counseling in such a home. Did you make any inquiries on the matter?

anita