Hi Kkasxo,

My last day was emotional and overwhelming I must admit. But it was heartwarming to see the genuine sentiment people expressed to me.

The cards and gifts and well wishes and phone calls honestly filled my heart. It became public knowledge pretty quickly that I was finishing up in my workplace and I sent a couple of goodbye and thanks emails to contacts, which resulted in 3 calls in the space of a few hours wondering would I be interested in jobs! So while I felt my own bosses reaction to my departure was underwhelming to put it mildly, those calls boosted my professional confidence a little again!

After a party on Friday night, Saturday was horrific. I’m not a big drinker if I’m honest, but I enjoy my glass of wine. Let’s just say, prosecco is NOT the same as wine and I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to it! I thought I would end up in hospital or a morgue on Sat! Also I was staying in a hotel in the city for the night so I went into complete spiral when I got sick Sat morn. I completely reverted back to that anxious state where I need someone around me at all times. I’ve always had an odd phobia of being sick, but guess what thoughts cropped up….you guessed it….my ex.

I cant remotely ever contact that man again, we are completely done, not even if I broke my leg outside his house and couldn’t walk would it be appropriate for me to contact him and YET all I wanted for much of that morning was him. He always provided me with such comfort when I was scared and vulnerable. He literally would sit holding my hand, talking to me, reassuring me and taking practical steps and I felt whenever I was with him when upset or ill, that everything would be okay and that he wouldn’t let anything happen to me.

So these thoughts let to thoughts of criticism of myself for needing people, for not being enough of an adult to look after myself in such circumstances, like normal people. Then I got scared about travel….what if I get sick abroad, so far away from support…..as you can imagine, Saturday was not fun lying on a bathroom floor wanting to die and aching with pain at the loss of my ex and anxious as hell about being alone and my future. I managed to make it home (dunno how!) and I didn’t leave my bed until Sunday.

On Sunday I was better and even did a charity walk for a local charity which helped my mum. Also my mood was fine on Sunday, but my need for my ex spooked me and I just felt sad that I’m finding it so difficult to let him go. It seems so silly given that he has let me go a long time ago, so I’m holding on to something that’s not even there, but if it were simple, then there would never be anything to see therapists about!

In relation to your new place….what did you mean by two month notice? Is that like a trial period? What do you think the immediate future holds for you? The one thing I do know is that you won’t do something before you’re ready. People felt I should have ended it with my ex lots of time when I wasn’t getting what I needed. I knew I should have left my job years ago but I wasn’t ready. I became ready a month ago, I don’t know why, I just did it. I’m trying to change my outcome I guess. I’m trying to make decisions, I don’t know if it’ll work, but staying as I was didn’t seem to be making me happy so……