Apple Tree,

I appreciate your responses & Questions. This is good processing for both of us. I am headed to my daily hike/run then meditation (helps to get out of my head sometimes.) but wanted to answer this before.

i work at a different location now. But we recently cut off all communication last week when I sent the email . They never responded to emails with emails, they just responded on social media. Weird , I know.. part of me feels like they are doing certain things not saying things for survival. Also a big part I failed to mention is then coming to terms with identity things. When they first came on to me and pursued me I also didn’t pay mind because they were in denial about their identity. There’s also a race difference and 6 year age gap. So struggle on struggle that – if we were able to overcome would be a beautiful thing for this planet in my opinion. Healing through love regardless to past things that would have made it illegal for us to be together like bans on interracial marriage etc. I also think they come from a conservative family but I don’t know. Just using my intuition and seeing patterns that I’ve noticed in other people I’ve worked with.

drama addiction is like- deep Down you know the situation is toxic and painful, but you chase it to satisfy a part of you that wasn’t satisfied some time in childhood. A random example, if my father was never present. I may pursue men who give me just enough attention but it’s never enough, but I fight for more attention because it soothes that child self in me that needed it from my father . It’s also a control thing.

Chemistry & true love happens in a peaceful lease resistance relaxed state. Now that doesn’t mean later on the situation can not become drama filled too. Especially if both people haven’t worked on their trauma.

in my case we fell in love when we allowed our hearts to be open, and trusting. But we hadn’t completely worked on our childhood trauma and so we had this push pull explosiveness where though it seemed we were mad at eachother we were truly mad at ourselves. And we will always argue until we come to peace with ourselves , stop projecting & learn to trust one another. This particular soulmate is one that causes one to grow .

but we have many soulmates. And things like this prepare us for others so we don’t make the same mistakes.

because we recently cut off contact it is still sore for me. Waking up isn’t a problem but focusing and not letting my days waste by from wondering and ruminating has been a issue. I’m also still grieving. But it does bother me how much this person is on my mind because I’ve come to terms with regardless to why they are distant they don’t want to be together and there’s nothing I can do. I get lost in wondering about what ifs too. But I’ve just been allowing myself to talk to friends and other people where there’s some fun & love (even though I don’t see myself with them). It helps to distract myself and helps my confidence to know others are attracted to me.

im also on a tiny dose of anxiety meds that I take as needed. My stress manifest physically so I was dealing with pains and rashes. Scared the crap out of me . I was just under intense stress I had lost so much at one time it felt.

it heals with time. But it helps to distract self.

also are you still with your boyfriend? It seems this situation , not knowing what you want. Fear of leaving because it’s comfortable. Then guilt is stressing you out. I don’t know if just leaving will feel freeing . I get the feeling you need to build stability and confidence in yourself over time in order to leave . By finding meaning , and doing things that can help you renew yourself bring back excitement. Maybe making just friends but new friends. Going out. Taking yourself on dates. Show yourself you can be alone and okay. Then leaving your boyfriend or not will become more clear – in terms of what to do. Just a thought .