Dear Anita,

I will reach that child.  In fact, this is the next step of the journey.  Yes I brought up my husband as the predominant “issue” or “worry” at this time.  But it is this.  This is everything – the work we will do here about this.

Interesting point about the real-life experience THEN, is my current life experience NOW. 

Life then was no different.

I will use the following prompt to access the young Cali Chica who was in fact unlucky:

 I see how scared you are, I see how angry you are. I know you feel badly, I know you don’t feel okay. And I know why you don’t feel okay, it is understandable.

It is not right that I was born into a world where everything was wrong and bad BEFORE I even took a breath into this world.  Even before I was born there was sadness and badness, so when I was born – I was born into that.  No chance for otherwise.  And how interesting the struggle to constantly constantly keep my head above water, see the good, try to focus on the good times.  There weren’t any.  I was born into bad.

My mother felt unlucky in her child and had distress, it was false that her childhood was picture perfect, a fairy princess dancing around and then all of a sudden dethroned and thrown down.  No, it was bad to begin with.  I mean, look at my grandmother.  She committed suicide years later – was my mother born into a state of calm and happy? NOPE

So was she calm and happy? NOPE

Did she push forth calm and happy? NOPE

So here goes:

Dear young Cali Chica,

I am sorry to break it to you, but life is not going to be easy for you.  You are being born into disharmony.  A child needs happiness to feel happy.  Calm to feel calm.  Safety to feel safe.  You have none of that.  I am sorry for you, I truly am.  I wish you were born into different circumstances – but you are not.  It is a shame.  It is unlucky.

Now I see you Cali Chica at the playground, it is kindergarten or first grade.  You seem sad or scared to be without your mom.  Well Cali Chica, I know you feel close to your mom, but the reason you feel sad everyday is also because of your mom.  As I told you when you were just born, you were born into unlucky circumstances.  So now you rely on your mother and think of the world of her, – but she is not good.  A real mother protects her daughter, makes her feel good, calm, safe, happy.  Your mother goes out of her way to shake you mentally, to scare you, to remind you the world is bad – not good.  She wants to make sure you are not happy – she wants you to share her burden.  How dare you be innocent and happy, while she suffers.  She thinks you are born to lessen her burden. So that is why you feel uneasy a lot.  It is not because you are close to your mom, and that you are attached to her – it is that you have been uneasy since the day you were born.  It is like a sleeping calm sweet child taken b y a mother ever 15 mins and shaken.  Shaken baby syndrome.

What a way to develop, shaken – inside to out…