Dearest Cali Chica:

An excellent communication- I have trusted you enough to let you take the lead today, not feeling threatened that it will turn out badly, in humiliation of some sorts, humiliation of me, that is. I did well trusting you.

“My mother said the SAME exact thing: ‘it is not my doing, I react to how they are- it is they who are changing, not me!”-

– I remember a funny things perhaps, Obama was president, my mother was against him, then she changed her mind, suddenly he was a good guy (every person went that route.. and back to bad). So I asked her: what happened? She answered: he changed.

When my mother/ your mother (decades and continents apart) had lots of vicious in them, lots of bad- and they point to the world as the cause, always others, then it is their vicious projected into the world. This is why the world is not as vicious as they claimed. If my mother took some of the responsibility for bad things happening, then the world/ others would be less responsible.

No responsibility on her part-> all the responsibility is on others.

She claims to have no hostility of her own-> all the hostility is out there and when she is hostile, it means- no, she isn’t. Someone else is hostile- she is only reacting.

The child gets the impression that the world is way more hostile than it is, because Mother is hostile so often, it must be a whole lot of hostility out there that she is (allegedly) reacting to.

People are changing- good->bad-> good, “making poor mother sad and upset.. Double anger. Double roar”.

Mother roars at others, we join her roaring at others, she roars at us, we roar at ourselves, and at her, lots of roaring.

Our roar at her “is simmering with guilt.. for not fixing poor mother”, “Hatred at the world”-

– as children we made a mistake, thinking we are on the same team as mother, thinking she needs us to help her. We didn’t know that she didn’t see us on her side, only moments here and there. But like everyone else in her life, we turned bad, in her mind and heart, soon enough.

“I will always be angry at the world and you”- we are the world for her, not on her side, but against her, sooner enough, if not in this short moment.

“All your efforts are in vain. All  our efforts”- it is the saddest story of unrequited love. We loved her so much, tried so hard to help her and she never considered us on her side at all.

“It was all for nothing… all without any benefit to anyone whatsoever”- correct.

I will be going for a walk  soon, oh how different this day feels for me, how very different.

anita