Hi PJ,

I do know what you mean, you wanted to understand and you couldn’t because she wouldn’t open up, but we can’t force or expect people to open up when they either don’t want to or aren’t ready to, so in that case, it’s okay that you didn’t understand what she was going through, because you really couldn’t. SHE might not even be able to put into words what she’s going through. A lot of people can’t when they go through traumatic things, and that’s why they can’t or don’t want to talk about it. In those cases, it’s best to just let them heal however they need to while trying not to place expectations.

With that said, I definitely don’t think you’re wrong to want what you want and you seem like you definitely need more support when dealing with this type of grief. There’s nothing wrong with that either and it’s unfortunate that your wife is grieving in a different way (which is also not wrong). I did see you went to counseling but it didn’t help much?

I do think trying couples counseling as Anita suggested is a great idea, whether you stay together or not. Co-parenting when you are not married is very difficult, especially when step-parents come into the picture (which your wife will likely have issue with if you start dating right away), and working some of your issues out in couples counseling beforehand while trying to find the best way to separate would make for a much smoother process, I’d think. If you do decide to separate, I’d also think about getting your kids into counseling to help them with the adjustment. I know that would’ve helped me when my parents divorced as I ended up internalizing a lot of it, which ended up backfiring on me during my adult years.