Good morning Anita!

I hope you had some good red wine. It is getting chillier here which makes me happy – makes me feel romantic! (One day .. I’ll meet a man. I hope!!)

I had interesting dreams which is expected. But none of the chest pounding in pain types. Which is a good feeling.

Im glad I did not go see my sister last night. I ended up watching a movie that made me laugh a lot. And I cuddled with my pup. We are supposed to celebrate her birthday all weekend. I’m not sure what she wants to do. deep breaths going into the weekend. She tends to blame agony on me, even if I’m literally sitting in silence. So let’s see. She has not done that in a while. So I’m hoping it won’t happen now.

Next. Let’s discuss my world. I’ll copy and paste some journal entries I have written. I think it’ll be interesting for both of us. So I wrote this on sept 1. Sept 3 I came back home and my therapist and I decided no contact will have to be my next step. And oct 3. I did it. So here is what I wrote on Sept 1 when I went to my parents home-

“This is the place of my depression. A place so beautiful. But so horrid. Filled with dark memories. A feeling of sadness and anger and confusion. A place with so much potential. But only decay and death. 

This place: no motivation. Doom. Constant fatigue. Thirst. The urge to escape. Wanting time to pass. Wanting it to go, wanting it to end. Restless leg syndrome. A feeling of falseness. A fake life. A life of checklists. So many things. For no reason. So many different types of foods. So much decor. So many enjoyable activities. All for what. Literally nothing. It’s a delusion. I close my eyes. And I hear the same birds as I did when I was young. Feel the same air. The same sounds. I see and feel the young me. I see the memories. Of school. Of life. I truly feel all of it. But now things are so different. It is all different. It is all transformed. And this is the new reality of it all. This is the present. 

It’s like an evil joke. It’s a delusional world. They plant things in you – so you have trouble doing the thing they fear most. It’s rather confusing to have this relationship with them. It’s toxic. Half in half not.

It makes sense I had no ability to explore happiness or interests. To do enjoyable things. Hobbies. Thoughts. None of my own is (or was rather) allowed. 

It is stagnant here. Nothing changes. It’s the same for years and years. That’s why when I come back- it is so clear to see how I was when I lived here. Not them. Not the people around them. Not my cousin. It’s crazy how it’s like an alternate universe. That stays the same while you’re not here. And when you come back, you can almost see yourself also return. I think I have frustration that when I return to New York, I put on another face that doesn’t have to do with this universe. It’s not fake but it is … in a way. I don’t like how I have to act like this part isn’t part of my life. I want it to all come together. Not to be two separate entities. Or is it ok that it’s separated. I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sick of going back and then acting like this whole experience here never happened. I don’t purposely hide it. I’m not faking it. It’s just how I survive. Experience this horrible thing. Then go back to work and smile and I’m all bubbly again. It’s exhausting. Again, it’s weird bc I’m not faking it. I imagine it right now. I’ll be wearing nice clothes. Perhaps heels. It’ll be Tuesday. And I’ll be composed. I’ll be fine. I’ll be smiley. I’ll do all my work. But inside I will be burning. Anxious. But my outside is so deceiving. No more of this. It is exhausting. Living two lives. 

I guess it is my human nature that I feel sorry for them? How it is sad that humans live this way when there is so much beautiful in the world. I know I can’t change it. I don’t intend to either. But it is a very sad thing. To watch my mother. Be the way that she is. And my father. Be the way that he is.”

And now here I am. Oct 5.