Dear Anita,

Good morning.  I know that you have yet to read my email and reply, you can choose to reply wherever.

I read this quote this morning:

“For one human being to love another: that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks; the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.”

As  I say often, most quotes tend to be generic, and over arching themes to me – but, every once in a while I come across one that I feel really hits home.

I thought about how for me, right now, my largest goal is to learn how to be a supportive, loving wife.  In an authentic, true way.  A way in which decreases hostility, increases vulnerability, and focuses on the task at hand without too much wavering.

When I read the above statement,  I thought about how there have been so many things in my life starting from a young age in which I trained.  I have always been a good student.  Whether it was dance, school, residency.  Yet, during the actual “training” itself there were many ups and downs.  In the beginning, not knowing if it is the right path for me, the discomfort outweighing any reward, no end in sight.  Feelings of hopelessness, lack of confidence, comparison of myself to others – so many different waves.

And yet, looking back I can say I was a good trainee in many aspects of my life, a fast learner, and a passionate soul.

Perhaps this is the biggest work of all.  You mentioned from an early stage – way before I was able to understand, that the focus of myself should be my husband.

You mentioned it in many different ways.  You spoke about objective reasons:

My husband helps financially, he is someone I can depend on.  He is a partner to go through life with that can help support me.

You mentioned it in emotional ways.

He is my supporter, and as you say – Healing must happen in the context of good relationships, loving relationships – well here I have one.  Right in front of me, go and cultivate it!

All in all you made it a point, that the rest is secondary, he is number one.

Interesting how this seemed so foreign to me, a newly married person, who had been in many relationships in my life.  But not so ironic when I looked at how my roles and responsibilities panned out.

I was entirely enveloped in making sure my mother – and to a large extent my sister -were okay.  Being there for them for support, entertainment, everything.  Now of course my sister was definitely supportive to me in many ways later in life.  But arguably I was the primary “head honcho” when it came to this.

This sort of thing is still very much ingrained in me, and I believe that you see this in me as well.

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My sister recently went no contact with my parents.  I do not know the full details, as she has respected the fact that this would be triggering to me.  She had great support from 2 friends, her therapist, and I assume some conversations with you as well.

I notice that regardless of her reaching out to me for support directly, no cries for help – it is of course still triggering.  I notice she feels this sense of being alone.  of course, as unlike me she is younger and not in a serious loving relationship with a reliable supportive partner to depend on.  Or like someone like yourself.  I am not comparing us.

She has a good group of friends here, and I know she appreciates them.  I know a short amount of time ago, she was annoyed with the group – I mentioned the story to you, the one girl who tends to not do well under the influence of alcohol, acting out and such – not uncommon in 24 year old girls, etc.  And then when you and discussed the scenario you brought the light to me that everyone is human, yes everyone has flaws – and it is that they are magnified in my sister and my head.

I hope my sister learns to look past these things, as she does not have the liberty to be critical of friends.  She has only recently started to make a strong friend circle, and that is huge.  So that scenario I  brought up to you, the girl who they wanted to have an intervention for, the one that acts out etc, and the intervention didn’t happen.  Well THAT girl was the person who was there with my sister on the day she decided to go no contact, there by her side the whole time, supportive, went with her to do all she needed to do, and took her to dinner.

See.

She is a great friend, I am glad for my sister.

And most of all, and of course I know this is in confidence – I can not be her primary source of support.  My husband is incredible, he talked to her for a while on Oct 3 when she went no contact, and I was not involved in this.  He knows my sister is in a vulnerable time and wants to be there for her.

I am glad for this, but I did instantly feel bad – I don’t know much but I know my husband was there for her.  I felt instant pang of tenderness for my husband, not wanting to add anything more on his plate.  I am not saying I am angry or resentful, my sister made a huge decision, she did not rely on me to help her do it – she acted strong and independent.

But, in reality – I don’t want my husband to be given any more stress than we already have.  I don’t want to take attention away from him at all, and worry about her in any way.  I know that sounds selfish – but it is what I need.  It is that consistency that will help my husband and I grow stronger.

I did have a good weekend with her and my husband celebrating my birthday, I do not mean to put her down at all – I just know that I do need to protect my spirit for in the future I find my attention from the true inner circle wavers.