Dear Jennifer:

You are welcome. I felt admiration to you as I read about your recent,  honest efforts with your husband. Remember the middle way/ moderation in your expectations regarding how your marriage moves forward. Progress is not all-or-nothing, and there is no such thing as perfection when it comes to human behavior, not even inside monasteries.

Unattachment, for example, is something to aim at but for as long as we are the social animals that we are, we cannot undo our emotional nature and become as unattached as a non living thing is.

And the sex part, at times and in part, it is not such a bad thing to use or be used, as long as there is no dishonesty and disrespect involved. I don’t think it is possible to avoid that sexual element: to-use-and-be-used.

I suggest that you decide one or two realistic/ doable expectations from your husband that are most important to you.  Communicate those to him specifically and clearly, so that they are crystal clear to him. If this one or two expectations are specific (not vague), doable (not too difficult) and he agrees to them, then he should meet that expectation. I hope he will.

anita