Kkasxo,

I hear you! Finances are a big trigger for anxiety and I have been feeling pretty crap lately not being able to afford anything! I hate borrowing from anyone etc, but I’ve had to do it so I feel like a ticking clock in my head until I pay it back ‘cos I hate owing anyone.

BEST OF LUCK on Monday- fake it ‘till you make it is my motto!!! Interviews are daunting but at least it’s a start and once it’s over you’ll be so relieved! I went for an interview for what I thought was my dream role two weeks ago. I had heard this job would be coming up, before I went travelling & actually kind of banked on it for my return. I felt I was perfect for it. I thought the interview wasn’t horrendous – even though it had been 15years since I’d done an interview. I waited days to hear, and had nearly run away in my mind with having the job. When they told me I was unsuccessful – the blow was huge. I wasn’t expecting it to be so gutting actually. I cried all evening. It took me right back to my self worth core, which is fragile at best!

Repetitive comments in my head… ‘oh Shelby, don’t be so confident, you weren’t good enough for your ex, you weren’t good enough for this job…. etc etc’. Anyway, it definitely hurt. It was also a job I felt would really say to my previous bosses, ‘wow, she did well. Maybe we lost someone valuable’. It’s all a headwreck!

I went for a different interview for a short term contract last week. I haven’t heard back. I’m not sure I really wanted that one, it’s quite different to my area of expertise & it was just a maternity cover & also require a move of location.

The temp work is fine, good experience and short term so definitely less pressure for targets etc. It has shown me though that I’m not in love with retail. If I follow up with a makeup career, I don’t think I want it to be in retail- so that’s something I’ve learned at least!

I really hope the interview goes well on Monday. Don’t waffle and give specific examples for questions asked. Be confident (even if you have to fake it!). You’ll do great!!

The nice guy was…..lovely. Such a sweet soul. I felt he was mad about me & falling for me, but I just wasn’t in the same place. He kept saying he was okay with the pace etc, but he reminded me so much of myself it hurt!!! I told him never to sacrifice his needs and wants for anyone, but I could see him doing it! He just didn’t want to lose me & I got a sense that his self confidence was not terribly strong. I knew for sure as time went on, I’m not over my ex. He creeps into my mind a lot and it’s just not fair on anyone new if that’s happening a lot. I miss his company but I think it was veering towards friendship for me, some things just turned me off. Absolutely no fault on his part, it’s just I like what I like & though I tried to have stronger feelings for him because he’s such a wonderful person, I just couldn’t.

I lay awake a whole night in his place (nothing happened) with a churning stomach & I knew something was wrong then. He believes there is hope for us in the future I think, which I feel bad about because I definitely don’t see it, but I didn’t want to hurt him by admitting that. I told him not to wait for me as I need to work on myself and sort my life out. He said he understands but it’s his decision how he feels going forward.

Anyway, he deserves to be with someone amazing, who runs into his arms to be with him, but he’s never really had a long term relationship and I fear this will now dent his confidence & self worth further and I hate that. Ugh, there’s no simplicity in life is there?!!!

Anyway, it’s my birthday on Tuesday and I don’t know how I feel about it. Proud having survived this past year…..sad as I’ll be 37 (feeling 24!), but closer to that STUPID clock.

Hopefully the right opportunity will arise for both of us- we deserve a break I think. I’ll be thinking of you on Monday and sending good vibes out in to the universe for you. Best of luck