Well hello again,

It has been a while.. since I wrote here.. and some things changed. Some things haven´t in the past 8 months.

First of all, I am still here in Spain.. after looking for lots of jobs in February and March, I only managed to get a couple of hours a week, teaching english in a language academy. I finally got some work in a Summer Camp in April which made everything better. It was difficult and challenging.. I felt anxious sometimes but I`ve learned a lot from that experience. I did if for a couple of months and then I was unemployed again. That was the deal… it was only for 2 months. So I finished summer camp and in June I got back to my country. I had to… since I had no work and my money was running out.. I have been there for 3 more months and

Well hello again, after a long time!

Writing here right now makes me somehow guilty.. I feel like I am taking advantage

it was weird  to be back at the beginning.. I felt like such a failure.. Like I failed and I had to come back.. Maybe I did in some way.. but not entirely for sure. It made sense to go home for 3 months because they just bought a house and they needed a hand with the moving.. So It made sense to go help them since I had no work… and then come back here and try again.

After being there for 3 months it was hard to leave again.. I cried and I questioned my decision to go back to Spain.. I almost gave up and stayed home… almost. I came back here knowing that I will have some courses in the same academy I have been working for earlier this year and I hoped they will give me more work so I will be able to be here. And, they did.. I am workig for 10 hours a week now.. and I am also taking care of some cleaning, so I get some extra money. It´s a little weird to be a teacher and janitor/cleaner in the same place.. but I could think of worse scenarios. I still don`t earn enough money to live here.. so my mother still pays my rent. I can afford all my other expenses except my rent.  Being a teacher is quite interesting.. Sometimes it can be really great, sometimes it can be very stressful. I am very anxious before some of my courses… and most of the time I feel like I have no idea what Im doing… and I am scared of my students noticing that.. I don´t think that is true, but I always feel like that.. After I finish my courses I always feel good and uplifted.. Even while doing it, I could say I feel pretty confident.  I´ve been doing this for 3 months now and I am starting to get used to having a routine… I do feel better in some respects..  much better. But maybe I still have too much free time..

The thing is … I solved some of the problems.. that is for sure. But I still find myself crying and feeling down.. and feeling very frustrated. I feel very lonely.. and I guess I felt very lonely for a long time.. maybe always.. Since I broke up with my ex girlfriend, a little more than a year ago, I haven´t been with anyone..  Again, I am in the same situation I have been a 3 years ago… when I somehow managed to be single and have no intimate relationships with anyone for nearly 4 years. I was scared I will get trough that again… and I am.. And it feels terrible. It makes me feel so frustrated, lonely and isolated. And I believe I am responsible for that.. and I think for some reason I want to be alone but I don`t want to feel lonely. I keep comparing myself with my friends and the people around me and they all seem to be in a relationship or at least hooking up with people..  None of them seem to go trough what I´m going.. I keep realizing that everyone is having sex.. at least once in a couple of months.. but I haven´t met anyone in my situation.. I feel like a failure, like a looser..  and I don´t know why is this happening.. I think I am just too shy to make these things happen.. and I just prefer not even trying.. I maybe got so comfortable in this situation so I prefer it now.. and I just suffer and wait for someone to make it happen for me..  And sometimes it happens… but the kind of girls who are willing to make all these steps.. are simply not my kind of girls.

I got to the point where I simply meet a girl, and if she is somewhat beautiful and we have a good conversation I over think and almost fall in love.. It´s ridiculous..

I got to the point where I am feeling desperate for any girls attention.. sometimes I feel like I would do anything for some kind of attention.. for some kind of intimacy.. It really feels awful.. and I feel ashamed to be like this.. I really do… And I simply don´t know what to do.. None of my friends know this… I haven´t told anyone that I haven´t had sex in more than a year and that I feel so lonely.. because they all seem to make those things happen.. and I feel like I am such a freak…

I do know and understand that maybe sex is not such an important thing.. and I am maybe too focused on that..

Maybe I shouldn´t..  but this is the way I feel… And some days I miss ex my girlfriend so much and I feel so guilty for not doing my best when I had the chance.. I keep thinking maybe we could´ve made it work..  I know its an illusion and I only think that way because I got so needy and desperate..

I don´t know what to do…

I think I just needed to tell someone..

Thank you !