Dear Maria:

“If people really should invest in friendships”- let see what it is that you have been investing regarding this woman:

“I feel like I would be neglecting her. She doesn’t have a functional family so I would feel guilty if I failed to answer her calls/ texts because she wouldn’t have anyone to call”.

During the time that your brother brought troubles to your family of origin, it was your family that was not functional, and you took on the Rescuer role, the good-sibling role so “to bring my parents joy.. to meet all their expectations and compensate for my brother’s flaws”.

Fast forward, your friend is like your brother and you take on the same role with her, trying to bring her joy and meet all her expectations, and compensate for the bad people in her life, the ex boyfriend and the boss who wouldn’t greet her nicely, and so forth.

“my brother has been rebuilding his life and my parents always show appreciation for me to be supportive during those days”- being encouraged by your parents for a job well done, a role you excelled at, you keep that role going with this troubled woman.

So there is the rescuer and “good sibling/good daughter/ good-girl role that brought you your parents’ appreciation. Problem is that this role is not working for you in the context of adulthood, with this woman- she is not rebuilding her life very well and she is destroying yours (for as long as you let her).

Often the roles we took on as children, and which served us well then-and-there, harm us in the context of adulthood in the here-and-now.

Regarding my suggestion that this woman is abusive- I think she is. It doesn’t mean that she is a bad person similar to how cartoons depict a bad character: all evil in every way, all the time. Humans are more complex than two dimensional fictional characters. Sometimes she is honest, sometimes she is kind. But she is repeatedly selfish and unkind to you, demanding and accusatory, over a period of years- that is abusive, in the complex, human context.

I will respond to the tragic event you mentioned later, if you want. I will stop here at this point because there is a lot here and I would like to wait for your response.

anita