Dear anita,

it was just that I thought, maybe the situation was difficult for him too. With living in different cities, different cultures and me being not easy to understand. But then again, he also lied and something was off.

Now I think it’s time to move on. I will never really understand him, but I understand myself better now. And I don’t want something like this to happen anymore, where I rush and don’t listen to my own emotions.

Most likely thoughts about him will still come up,but I want to try and not give them so much room anymore. Yesterday I also listened to a mindfulness meditations about thoughts, so I want to learn to control my thoughts more.

Last year my feelings of shame increased so much and sadly spread to my former dormitory too. I was so obsessed with what other people thought of me. Well, sometimes I still worry that they got a wrong impression of me, but I also need to let this go. I want to learn to find peace within myself, so I don’t worry so much about the approval of others anymore.

You are right that change doesn’t happen quickly. For example, last weekend, it was very mixed. One day I got lots of things done, the other day I was more unproductive. I don’t expect that everything will change after that one bath. If I do it, as it will be very cold… But it could just be a nice symbolic act and a way to feel more connected to myself and to nature.

I am so happy that I have this connection with nature, it always has a calming effect on me. Today I also went for a walk and my mind felt refreshed after it. I need to do it more often and include it into my routine, even if the weather is not so appealing at the moment. I am thankful that this year I got to pick mushrooms and nettles, go for hikes and to the forest and ocean.

You are right that I should repeat my goals from time to time, to remind myself. I also want to journal more. Gladly, this December I can work less hours, as I had collected a lot of hours in the past months. So it will a good time for me to reflect and work on myself.

And I want to focus more on my good qualities from now on, because they are there. Sometimes I think I could even think an “awesome” person without all the self doubt…

As for mindfulness practices, during the last days I journaled, cooked some fresh and tasty food for myself and went for a walk. Not everything everyday, but it is a start. Also, I tried to clear up a problem today, which did not work out, but at least I am a step further.