Dear Cali Chica;

The damage created in your home of origin, damage to you, damage to your sister, you are not responsible for those, neither is your sister responsible. Fast forward, your sister’s deep anger at you (and at everyone else, sooner or later), and her passive aggressive or dishonest communication- you are not responsible for these things, and this kind of relationship is damaging to you (“I tend to be more frenzied around my sister more often than not”) because any dishonest, angry, passive aggressive relationship is damaging, no exception for it being with a sister.

It is impossible for you to have a spontaneous relationship with her without being damaged. You have to set strong limits. Don’t dive into guilt for mistakes you made with her, because if you do, you will not proceed toward a  better life. Give in to her accusations, and you sink in sickness.

Put in other words, you are not guilty, she is not guilty of anything that was created in that home of origin. But now, as you proceed toward a better life, you have to focus elsewhere, away from her, and she has to focus elsewhere, away from you. Your individual healing are dependent on it not happening in the context of the relationship between the two of you.

Your healing has to take place within the context of your inner circle, and hers, in the context of her inner circle. Then, after that is done, the two of you may have a healthy fuller scale relationship, not before.

anita