I feel like we have always just been making do, going through the motions. There’s other families that function well, have huge business empires or just have an understanding with each other at least and are happy. I feel like everyone has something that they’re neglecting or have wanted and have just had to make do with the situation. I’ve never known my Dad to be ‘Happy’ He has plenty of hobbies and interests. None with my Mum, or with any of us. I have been the one to try and insert myself in them. But i’ve never been good with music, he plays Bass guitar, I’m not good at bike riding, he used to do mountain bike races in the past. I’m an artist and he is a good illustrator so in the past we’ve shared that. But he was never really into Movies as much as me, we would go to a movie on the odd occasion but he would say he always falls asleep so he doesn’t want to go. I’ve made efforts in the last few years to got to car shows with him and at Christmas I had everyone put $50 in a pot for us to do a group thing during the year, like go rafting together.

My Mum has always been interested in Writing and reads a lot. I’m into writing and have my own (getting nowhere fast half finished screenplays and short stores). She wrote a short kids book about 10 years ago. But didn’t really do much with it. When she was going through her cancer treatment. I took the book and formatted it, painted illustrations for the cover and inside and got it printed and put it on amazon for her for Christmas. She loved it but, why wouldn’t she have tried to do that herself. It feels like I’m amongst these volcanic islands that sometimes erupt and I get the shock-waves all the time. I have never had an eruption myself.

My Sister has had issues in the past, although none really her fault. She had an abusive ex-finance she was with in the UK while my parents, my ex and I moved to Canada. She had surgery during that time and also a bad car accident and I know my parents felt very helpless. As did I. When the relationship ended she reluctantly at first moved to Canada. She has since found that she has liked it and found friends and a boyfriend currently. Although she still has the effects of PTSD from the ex-fiance.  Which a few years ago resulted in a suicide attempt. She has since been doing a bit better.

I did what was expected of me, went to college. Not into construction like my Dad was, he didn’t want that for me. He told me to get into money and computers. So I sent to college for CG Animation. I ended up becoming a VFX artist for TV commercials when we moved to Toronto form the UK. I met my Ex just after college and she came with to Toronto. They weren’t overly happy that I’d married a non-British person and they were a little bit racist towards her Lithuanian ways. I’m sure they’re glad now that she’s left me. They probably think they get their son back now. Feel like they only see me as a 12 year old and want to put my drawings up on the fridge.

Feels like a waste, all the drama seems to take up time and effort that could have been better spent. I know my Ex saw it as being a lot worse than it was because they didn’t like her too much. They seem to have an idea of the way things should be and don’t want to deviate at all. Despite now being grown up and living in another country and the world changing a lot quicker nowadays as it does. Feels like I have to pretend that everything is okay to keep the peace.