Dear Anita

The last day of the fall semester was yesterday December 17th and I am on winter break from December 18th-January 13th. I managed to finish both my Stem Cells and Society class as well as my career class with an A. The Spring class registration opened October 31st so I already picked the classes I need for the Spring semester which starts January 14th. The end of the fall semester was good with final presentations with my five group members about neuroblastoma (a brain cancer) for my Stem Cells class and a final reflection paper about what I learned in the class. The group presentation and final paper for my Stem Cells class went well and my final grades for that class is a 93 which is an A. For my career class, I presented a PowerPoint about how the class helped me along in my career path and I received a good grade on that presentation and my final grades for that class is 110. Since I only took eight credits for the fall semester and was part-time, I found that it was an easier course load with only two classes and it gave me time to get accustomed to Stockton University because I had recently transferred there from Ocean County Community College. Next semester which is Spring semester and starts January 14th I will be full-time with 14 credits and four main classes. I am taking a meditation class in the spring semester to help me find ways to relax and relieve stress because I have three science classes that I am taking which are Organic Chemistry, Genetics and Scientific Research Writing. I recently talked with a professional on December 12th over the phone about genetics research and I gained a lot of insight on laboratory methods for genetic research, the person gave me lots of interesting information about genetic editing techniques such as CRISPR-Cas9 to help create mutations in a person’s genome and CRISPR’s uses in helping improve health. I learned from the phone conversation about scientists using CRISPR-Cas9 to cut out genes that could cause diseases and then work on ways to insert a healthy gene in which I found interesting. Although the person I talked with used a lot of scientific language, I asked questions and was able to generally get the main points of their research in genetics. I am still building my scientific research skills and there’s a lot for me to learn, sometimes I doubt myself. I am quite self-conscious of people judging me so I always feel jumpy when there is a lot of people around me. I think that I worry that I am not smart enough in their eyes or am afraid that they will judge me. But I find that I enjoy working with other scientists and classmates in a laboratory doing research and I am okay with that. I just don’t feel comfortable when talking with people about daily tasks though because I just don’t know what to say most of the time and I feel insecure. I think that I have spent most of my time at school working with students and teachers talking about science because I really enjoy it that I have started to not be able to make small talk with other people. This has led me to feeling anxious when I am out in public and people are nearby laughing and talking because I am afraid that they will talk to me and I won’t know what to say. Another thing that contributes to my anxiety with talking in person with people is that I worry that they will contribute to my gender dysphoria if they ask me whether I am a he or she as it has happened before. I was talking to a person at my parents’ restaurant and they asked me whether I was a he or she and I responded with he. They said “Well you look like a guy, but your voice is still a bit high. Have you started transitioning?” I felt a bit called out when they asked this because it made me feel like I wasn’t fully valid as a guy unless I medically transitioned and took testosterone. Taking testosterone will cause a person’s voice to go deeper and cause other things like facial hair and if combined with working out an increase in muscle mass and bone density. I replied that I was saving money to transition and I had socially transitioned because I was living as a guy and using my preferred name at Stockton University. I think that people are just naturally curious or just inclined to ask questions that may seem personal to other people because most people don’t know much about transgender people and want to know more but these questions make me a bit jumpy though. There are some people who don’t mind my gender expression at my parents’ restaurant but there are others who still trigger my gender dysphoria and anxiety because they don’t acknowledge my gender expression. Since I am not sure if a person will question my gender expression and accept it or deny it, I have been mostly avoiding connecting with people at my parents’ restaurant in conversations because I just don’t feel comfortable. But I feel like the more I isolate myself and avoid talking with the people who come into my parents’ restaurant where I help at, the more I feel anxious in life and feel like I don’t have anyone outside of school to support me. The LGBTQ Pride group at Stockton University is very supportive and I appreciate having online resources to help express my feelings. Tinybuddha has helped me with myself and I am grateful to have you in my life Anita because you make it meaningful. I do wish that there were LGBTQ people closer though to my parents’ restaurant area in Brick, NJ because many of the LGBTQ people that I know live in farther places in NJ. I think that my social anxiety these days is mostly from being afraid of not being supported for my gender expression so I tend to avoid close connections with people who come into my parents’ restaurant. In addition since my parents don’t accept my gender identity it can be stressful at times especially when the gender dysphoria gets a bit overwhelming and my heart feels like it is going beat out of my chest in my anxiety and I have trouble focusing because I am worried that even though I have a chest binder on that the pounding of my heart might cause my chest to be elevated and there may be a slight bump that might make the chest not seem as masculine and that makes me more anxious. I feel like these days I often check my appearance in the mirror to see if my hips are narrow and if my chest binder binds okay because on some days I will feel more self-conscious than others. I am still working on healing from anorexia and have been eating regular meals but after eating I feel worried that I might gain weight that might make me have curves that don’t look masculine and then I will start working out a lot with the mindset of burning calories and making my body look more toned and masculine. Even though I have been eating regular meals, I have been doing intense workouts that leave me quite sore and shaky. There are times when I worry that my gender dysphoria will destroy me and then who will I be? I feel like I’m fighting myself constantly and am afraid of the slightest physical change or situation that would make not look physically masculine and it’s starting to feel emotionally straining and I feel sometimes that I’m not really living. I wish I could feel more confident and the gender dysphoria would ease a bit. Hope you are well and have a good rest of the week. Thank you for being the inspirational person you are and for your advice that helps me better understand myself.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 12 months ago by Janus.