Thanks for the input. My fiance says I keep making excuses for him, and my friends keep asking why I want him as a friend. I see the signs, but I don’t get that “bad person” vibe off him like other toxic people I’ve met. He has said he knows he’s not perfect [despite always joking he’s never made a mistake] and he wants us to tell him when he can improve. So I want to confront him about these behaviours because, again, I really care about him as we get along so well and have helped each other grow through the year. My problem is I’m terrible with wording, and I know if I say the wrong word it will set him off. No, he won’t get violent, I mean he will either cling to “but you said angry when you meant upset” instead of hearing my point or do that curse me out and storm off.

I have heard from a lot of people, including my fiance, they suspect he’s trying to break us up. I highly doubt that mostly because I have such a low sense of self-worth I doubt anyone as attractive and charming as him [because he is, there’s a lot of girls who have crushes on him, but he’s convinced he’s ugly and nobody likes him] would actively pursue someone like me. However, you’re the first person to claim he sees me as a “prize” which does seem to explain a few other behaviours of his surrounding his “girlfriend” and his treatment of her [it’s normally indifference. He’s only called her his girlfriend once, only to apologize to me once she left the room. He never elaborated on why though] While I admit to our flirtatious friendship, the fact he’s affectionate isn’t exactly exclusive to me. He has more female friends than male friends, and while I’m the only one he’s given back rubs and played footsies with [I’ve asked them] if he knows you’re comfortable hugging him, he’ll hold your hand or accidentally brush against you a little more than coincidentally. This leads B to conclude he’s a creep [especially since he grabbed her foot twice. The first time he was rubbing her sock talking about how cool they were, the second he grabbed her foot and when she said “that’s not your girlfriend’s foot” he apparently didn’t let go for almost a minute] granted, I don’t want to assume he’s a creep, but laying it out like that [and I’m leaving out a ton of moments I’ve had with him where he would cuddle up to me, which has doubled in frequency since he started dating his girlfriend] I can totally see how his behaviour is crossing a line, even if I’m comfortable with it.

I feel it’s all his perception of himself and I’m hoping to talk to him [but I’m not sure how to word it] so we can work together to improve his “alpha” persona when he’s in public. He tells me frequently how he’s the master of perfect first impressions and he’s terrified he’ll never live up to that first impression so he goes extra with everything. I can’t tell you the number of times we’re in a group and when the two of us leave to head home you can see him physically drop and breathe a sigh of relief and he turns into this completely different person who is anxious and sweet and tranquil. I’ll never forget this one time in the summer we were sitting on a patio completely alone [the plaza had closed and we were watching the sunset listening to some folk music] and we were just chatting about life. He was telling me how happy he is with how his life has turned out and how lucky he was to be a bachelor. We started chatting about life and philosophy all tranquil until his dad drove by and saw us. His father gave him this friendly but finger-wagging “it’s nice you’re hanging out with Neko, but doesn’t she have a fiance? You need to find a girlfriend of your own. Neko, help find a girlfriend for my son, he’s bee single for years.” then jumped in his car and drove off. This resulted in my friend who fifteen minutes earlier was overjoyed with being single to go “he’s right, I’m miserable and need to find someone. Do you have any single friends, Neko?” and when I called him out on it he claimed he was fooling himself and needs a girlfriend.

Perhaps I’ve fallen for the friend I see when I’m alone with him when in reality he’s more often surrounded by people and is, in fact, the confident, assertive, calculating person in reality and his persona has become his personality. I don’t want to believe I’ve fallen for someone as calculating as my ex, because I do see his flaws, but he’s always encouraging me to grow as a person, he wants to grow as person, and he’s always talking about how much he loves people who insist on growing. Every time we get together, while he’s doing his whole “look at me” schtick, he’s encouraging people to read books and watch esoteric movies so we can discuss and discover new viewpoints. He doesn’t want to be suck in a box, and I like having a friend who challenges me in a nice way.