Dear Cali Chica:

Good morning to you!

1. Every time you feel a sensation or pain from your injured toe, let it be a reminder for you to slow down: toe sensation-> slow down, again and again. When you do have to move faster, do so without the rushing experience (the “frenzied energy”/”internally frenzied”) in the brain.

Moving faster, accelerating or expediting, is like running without creating a cloud of dust as you run, dust that makes it impossible for you to see what is in front of you and to your sides.

Expediting is like running without that cloud of dust, so you can see what’s in front of you and to your sides and you are not likely to bump into things and fall.

2. “I have a history of indirectly taking out anger .. which makes me guilty of passive aggression as well! Doesn’t it”- I am guessing 95% of people have some history of passive aggressive behavior. I do, but it doesn’t mean that I am forever guilty. If I no longer act passive aggressively intentionally and practically, then I am no longer guilty. Same true to you.

Once you no longer act passive aggressively yourself, by intent and in practice, in all circumstances and over time, you are no longer guilty of this behavior, and therefore you do not deserve anyone else’s passive aggressive behavior.

3. If you endure her passive aggressive behavior, you do your part in helping her to maintain and continue this behavior, which doesn’t serve her well long term.

4. “Xmas was wonderful and guilt free.. No mother, no sister dragging me down. I am able to be in the moment and enjoy this with my family, MY inner circle… This is what life is all about”-

– you said it yourself: your sister is dragging you down.

My thoughts this morning: you need to do what needs to be done to remove from your life people who drag you down, especially when the dragging down is repetitive, over time, and the person doing the dragging feels entitled to do so.

My suggestion to see her as a puppy may very well not be practical, a nice  visual, and doable from a distance, at times, but not when she continues her passive aggressive (I’ll refer to is as aggression from now on, because this is what it is, a form of aggression).

In your sister’s mind you deserve her aggression. And in her mind, she has the right to inflict it on you. How in the world can you possibly have a healthy relationship with a person who believes you deserve her aggression and that it is her right and duty to  inflict it on you. And if you get angry with her, she uses any expression of your anger as proof that you indeed deserve her aggression.. and you feel guilty and .. deserving of her aggression.

Therefore, I recommend that you enforce a policy with her of No Aggression. Make sure you do not display any aggression toward her in any way, shape or form. When your voice goes up a bit and its tone gets more serious as a result of your anger, that is not aggression. If you lose control and yell at her and use hurtful words, that is aggression.

And make sure that you do not endure any aggression from her. Tell her so, make a No Aggression contract with her, both of you signing it and allow perhaps 5 transgressions (doesn’t matter who does the transgression, it is a combined number, document those  in the contract, and enforce a no contact with her following that specific number of transgressions.

The reason it should be a combined number of transgressions is the following: she will be otherwise motivated to point to you as the aggressor and build a case against you as the aggressor, but with a combined number, if she builds a case against you, she is building a case for a no-contact with you.

–I don’t see any other way at this point because, again, she feels entitled to bite, it is her right and privilege, in her mind.

anita