Hi John! I was wondering how you’re doing. I’m sorry to hear you’re in a bad place.  I’m kind of wondering if you’re finally officially grieving the relationship, though. You’ve felt bad all along, since the breakup, but for most of the middle part, you were also dealing with other issues. At first you were kind of distracting yourself from your previous ex with your most recent ex, and then you went through all of that trouble with your recent ex for many, many months, which made you miserable and took up some of your emotional space, and now that that’s over, you’re back to grieving your previous ex, and in that case it makes sense why you wouldn’t be over it yet.

So you may just need to let yourself continue to grieve but try not to dwell. Vent here as much as you need. I understand what it’s like for the family and friends not to really want to listen to it anymore. Mine got like that with me, too. It’s hard for people to really understand when they likely haven’t felt such an intense connection with someone. I’m not sure it’s even possible to understand what it’s like until you actually experience it. It’s easy for people to say to just move on already, but it’s hard to actually do. My ex recently asked me for something that I’d bought him back that I still have that was sentimental to me so I told him no and he blocked me, and that hurt and I broke down for a couple days. The I realized that I hadn’t been able to grieve in the middle either due to a bunch of issues with other people in my life stressing me out, so I think that might be what’s happening with you, too, because I struggled with the fact that I still feel hurt, too, after 2 whole years.

This time of year doesn’t help either, so just be gentle with yourself. Don’t compare yourself and how you feel to others and how they feel and how quickly they move on because you aren’t them, they aren’t you, and neither one of you are having the same experiences. But you DO have to start letting yourself let go just a little bit. I understand the feeling like you’re missing a part of you. I feel that way, too, BUT you can’t focus on that. That’s what’s driving you nuts. Sometimes in life we lose parts of us and we just have to accept that those parts are gone and deal with it and know that we will be okay with that piece missing. We can still live without it.  Your mind is telling you that you need that piece to function or ever be happy but you absolutely don’t. I’m sure you’ve experienced plenty of happy times since that breakup, whether with family or friends or even things you do on your own that you enjoy. That’s the stuff that you need to redirect your focus toward and you have to be diligent in order for it to work. Redirect, redirect, redirect.

When your head says “I’m missing a part of me.” Say back to it “but I will be okay without that part.”

When your head says “I’ll never find a love like that again,” say back to it “actually, no, I can’t see the future and have no way of knowing who I’m going to meet and how I’ll feel about them.”

When your head says “I will never be happy again,” say back to it “no… that’s wrong. I’ve been happy here… and here… and here” and go through all of the times that you’ve felt happiness or joy, even with just the little things like for instance… I have a cat and when I say “hey, kitty!” she meows back to me, like she’s saying hi back, which I find adorable. And that’s just a cat, not even to say how many little joys I get from my kids and the things they do and say. Life has a billion little joys if you’re paying attention and taking notice.

And go to counseling again. Find a good one that you feel comfortable with and can relate to. They will remind you as much as you may need to be reminded to challenge your thoughts. You’re in a bad place because you’re likely still putting a lot of focus on what you lost or what you feel is missing rather than what you have or what you’ve gained since. Thinking about the past or future rather than being in the present is what generally puts us in a state of regret/anxiety/depression. Centering yourself in the present takes practice but it works wonders once you’re able to do it regularly… and not what you’re lacking in the present, but all of the little things you have and can do that make you feel good. Focus really hard on that stuff as much as possible.