It can be really confusing going from a long-term relationship to a new one when you’re still healing. After my divorce I met my current partner sort of by accident, before I was really ready to date seriously again. I had a lot of the same questions as you and now, two years later, I still am much more cautious than I was when I dated my ex-husband. I’m healing beliefs and behavior that originated long before I was married and was blind to when I was married. You may be experiencing something similar.

What I can tell you from my experience, is that it will be very difficult to know whether you are experiencing instincts or fear. You can heal while you date but it won’t be easy – not necessarily harder than doing so while single though. You are going through all these emotions from your previous relationship that can make it harder to trust a new one. I personally had to do a lot of processing otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to maintain my current relationship. I tried everything I could get my hands on, and the fact you’ve posted here shows you are too! You might also try journaling, meditation, etc, anything to process on your own. You need to discover what you are afraid of with the idea of “settling” and what you really need from your partner.

So you need to find ways to really process all these doubts, fears,  instincts, emotions, etc. on your own. But you also need to try and involve your current partner in them too. If he’s a keeper he will be willing to hear you out in healthy ways, and discuss what you’re feeling. And it could help a lot. How do you approach these thoughts with him? For example, like Anita mentioned, are you sure he has no goals? Maybe they just look very different than yours. He may prioritize different things than you or find purpose in living a simple life. You can only get on the same page by talking about it. Ultimately only you will know if you’re settling. I’m sure that it feels overwhelming to try and figure out, so just do your best to slow down and listen to the deepest parts of yourself, and communicate with him in healthy ways.