Dear Anita,

Good morning and thank you for your post. I woke up today feeling a little hazy. Well it’s a Monday morning and I don’t have to go to work! It feels quite odd, perhaps slightly uneasy. But I’ll take it! I’m glad to be sitting with some coffee and able to write to you, not at work  But in the comfort of my own home

now that is special!

So when I think of a dust storm I think of somebody traveling great distances – with decreased ability to see, having difficulty walking, and feeling their entire body exhausted.
A bite as you said is different, it is pinpoint, you can attend to a bite in one part of your body and it does not affect your entire body. Once you heal the bite, the rest of your body is untouched. This is not the case.
I woke up this morning feeling kind of hazy, a slow start to my day into my brain. I thought about how a lot of people must feel like that, and so they allow themselves to ease into the day, into whatever they are doing. They are not jolted into their morning like a shock.  I read your entire post and I thought about it all yesterday, especially the concepts of how she will continue to throw dust. I thought to myself. We are both From the same mother and have had similar trauma, of course different aspects of it, but similar trauma. Could it be that perhaps the anger my sister has towards me is really truly making her a B****.

Well YES – for  lack of a better term the way she acted is exactly like this. I never saw her like that I always saw her as someone desperate, pulling the victim card constantly, confused, insecure, etc. but never that. I would never have thought to think of that term and my sister even in the same sentence! But it’s true.

I do this thing, and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that she constantly throws back how I used to be. I do this thing where I think back to how I was at her age. I think back to my erratic behaviors. Most of them do not involve her as she was younger, and I was away at college or medical school. These are out of behaviors of mine were always directed towards the boyfriend at the time. I recall myself acting similar to her, expecting the person I was dating to predict what I wanted, and getting annoyed and short with them if they did it. I recall being all over the place one moment wanting something in the next moment not realizing it was incorrect for me, but projecting that annoyance outward. Always everything at word. Never anything in.

But Unlike my mother who projected everything out and gained energy and power from this. What did I gain? I gained more self-hatred. This is how I know that I will never be like my mother, because I dohave the ability to look back and be very ashamed of many of those actions, especially of how I treated my husband which we have talked about for over a year.

I know that it’s not an excuse to say, my internal distress and anger has caused me to treat others poorly. It’s not an excuse, but it’s what we work on here, knowing that those qualities are not truly us, and that we could work through them once we learn better coping skills. In fact, in the last two months Anita, I have realized that I am actually a wonderful loving person just like I thought I was, and those incidents with myself and my husband – As terrible as they are, are far from the way I truly feel. I think about how it took me years to get to the point to know myself better. Perhaps my sister is not anywhere close to that. But here’s the thing, when she consistently brings me back as a ball and chain, by throwing old ways at me such as “you used to do this too.” Or saying things like “you always blame me for all your problems.” It’s hard to not think “oh man I used to be like her too I can’t judge that.”

But the difference is — I wasn’t like that Anita I was not and am not – like that.

In this last incident, my husband was disappointed and hurt. Not to the point that he was devastated. But he wasdisappointed and annoyed. My husband has gotten much better about explaining what he is feeling and thinking, after all the work that I have been doing too. He mentioned things like my sister is just respectful, and not that she owes us after all we have done for her, but of all people she should be able to be more flexible for us. In addition, not to be all traditional but usually your older sisters brother-in-law is someone that you respect. If he asks for a favor, and the sister, my sister, is just dismissive and hasty, that’s pretty rude. Especially given the circumstance that my husband has gone out ofHis way above and beyond to be an older brother for her, and my in-laws treat her as family as well, always looking out for her, and making sure that she is well, and has family support. As you know if I go over to my in-laws they always ask about her, and say if she’s not doing anything to bring her, my mother-in-law always pack some extra bag of food for her as well when we are leaving. Etc etc.
My husband and I ended the conversation by saying, that she truly just does not have value for all that we are doing for her and always would do for her. It’s never that we want anything in return, but respect is something that it’s not too much to ask for.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.