I would like to share some updates:

this past month has been very difficult for me.
My bf and I were talking about breaking up, but I guess both of us still had a lot of feelings toward each other and we wanted to keep trying, so we came back together eventually. (There were a lot of communication, going back and forth, etc.)

He finally confessed that he’s been alcoholic since college, which is like half of his entire life. His alcoholism and depression are definitely correlated. I had gone through some alcohol withdrawal episodes with him already prior to his confession. But I never knew it was alcoholism.
Last time we talked, he told me he always felt he was loved differently by his family, he made some bad mistakes, and hence his drinking habit started and worsened.
I said I was willing to go through everything together and help him get over alcoholism. And if he wanted, we could create our own future together. He said he wanted to do that and started acting actively to change things. I was glad to see the progress he made.

But we still have some problems. Just like when we first started seeing each other, he would withdrawal himself from my for no reason periodically. Each time he withdrawal, I feel particularly sad and unloved. I addressed this issue many times with him. He said he remembered that the promises made – one of them was to never ignore me. But he didn’t have the capability to keep that when he fell into his dark hole.
He’s been sober for almost two weeks this time. But last night he got mad at me because I called him while he was asleep. I don’t know if waking him up agitated him or he was already agitated, he sounded quite upset when answering the phone. Every time when things like this happen, I can foresee he’s gonna withdrawal/ignore me for sometime again.

I have seen the pattern and become more understanding in this situation. However, I still feel hurt when it happens.
We agreed never to mention “breakup” again no matter how difficult things are. But I just can’t help but think maybe this relationship is not right for me. I am in a paradox now. Because I can’t imagine how sad we both will be if we break up. I don’t want to break up but I am not sure about what to do and how to make things better.